All the Feels, Our SPD Update.

>>>I am infamous for writing blog post but never actually publishing them. My blog has always been a form of therapy for me, so often times after I write I no longer feel the need to post it for the world to see. lol. I know, I'm a weirdo! However I recently posted about us deciding to homeschool Meredith and since then have gotten many messages about SPD; how did I get to a place of knowing that was best for her, what were the signs of SPD, what is helping her...etc. So I thought it might be helpful to share this post  that I wrote in the winter of last year:<<<

When we first found out we were at a routine check-up and explaining to our pediatrician how overwhelmed we felt parenting this child. I begin to explain how the simplest things were huge daily obstacles, brushing hair, teeth, smells, sounds, going to playgrounds, she was so rough, her hugs would literally hurt you, her high fives would sting my hands, while most parents are begging their toddlers to eat I was begging mine to stop, I had never heard her say, "I'm full". Our daily life was so difficult. I got to a point that I felt like I could not take her anywhere. I felt like I was tip toeing around my 2 yr old, not in a passive parenting kinda way, but as a way of survival. She immediately sent us for testing & within the hour it was clear that my daughter had severe SPD. Not even a month later she had qualified for 2 different forms of therapy. I don't think I will ever forget watching her hearing test, as her chin quivered & tears streaming down her face, "Please make the noises stop! It hurts!" That was my ah-ha! moment. This was so much more than a behavior issue, this was a life issue. Normal, daily life was not at all normal for her. As they tested 11 different areas of concern she tested severe in all but 2 categories. This was such a bittersweet day for us: relief that she was not just a "bad" kid, that there were ways to help her & heartbreak that her life would always be misunderstood.

She went through a year of speech & occupational therapy through our public school district, unfortunately it was not as helpful as we had hopped. Our district uses group therapy which is great if you struggle with the "norm" -- for example most SPD kids do not like to get messy so they spend the majority of their time with play dough, slime, finger painting... focusing on what most the children are struggling with. However our Meredith is not the "Norm" of SPD. Where most SPD kids are hyposenstive, she is hypersensitive & visa versa. So long story short they were not able to focus much time helping her with the issues she had. In a year worth of classes, going 3x's a week, only one of those weeks focused on her areas of need. So this year we opted to try something new. I have spent countless hours researching & studying to apply therapies at home. It is a lot of trial & error to see what helps. I am by no means in expert on SPD but I am an expert on my child. I by no means discredit those who spend their lives teaching these little hearts. It was just not the best option for us & even her therapist agreed.

We found that vestibular activities work best for her. Swimming is her vice ;) Swimming calms her nervous system & gives her body a sense of calm. During the summer she spends 90% of her day in the water & this winter she is swimming as much as possible. On really tough days I fill the bath tub & let her go to town! :) She has also started riding horses, which has been amazing. She finds such a sense of calm, the faster the horse goes the better! I am very thankful for a barn that doesn't hold her back. She tells us weekly that she is going to be a barrel racer & I have no doubt that she just might! 

She is learning to control her sound & learn to tolerate the sounds of her surroundings. I am grateful to the teachers in our kids church who love her & have helped her enjoy her class without sound blocking headphones.  We went to a very loud Christmas concert & I was so thrilled when she chose to take off her headphones, telling me, "I don't need these mom, I am good." And then she shared them with a little girl next to us who was covering her ears. Precious!

We did preschool at home this year & it is truly amazing how far she has come this year. From refusing to hold a crayon to begging to do more work. She is very strong in math, but really struggled with letters. She officially knows all the letter names & sounds, It was a HUGE win this year when she finally learned how to spell her name- all 8 letters! (I'll never give another child such a big name! The things you don't think about when naming your baby). She is writing letters &amp numbers; starting word families--for most preschoolers this is normal, but for Meredith this is a challenge.  Most of the information she knows & can verbally tell you but struggles to get in onto paper. Her mind is very unconventional. I am constantly trying to find new ways to teach her & encourage her. Meredith is very hard on herself & she loves others effortlessly but struggles to show herself that same love. She may struggle to write her numbers but can build a lego set for a 12 year old. She's one of the best problem solvers you will ever meet. We have days that we win & days that we are thankful for a new day.

Food is an area of concern with her type of SPD, she never knows the feeling of full. She has a constant driving desire to always have something in her mouth. She needs the chewing & biting to release the tensions in her nervous system. I should buy stock in bubble gum, cause we got through loads of it! We are constantly trying to teach her what it means to feel full by teaching her the size of her stomach. By giving her boundaries with her food choices & amounts of food. If you know Mere, you know she is a big girl. However her BMI is right where it should be for her height. This is an area that I am xtra sensitive to, as she was starting to say things like, "I have a fat belly" or when she meets someone she'll automatically say, "I'm a big 4"... Which seems cute at 4 years old, but the mama bear in me is not ok with what that is saying about her self-image . It is also an area that others feel the need to comment about. I have to bite my tongue often & remind myself that most people are very uneducated on SPD. If you see a little kid who looks chubby to you, you think they eat too much, let me help you out-- keep your comments to yourself. No one, no matter how old they are needs to be told they are chubby, chunky, fat, big.... Kids are people too,  they have feelings & are being shaped by what "adults" tell them. My new strategy is every time she makes a comment about how "big" she is, I rebuttal with a comment about how strong she is.

Speech, it something we are still working on. SPD & speech go hand in hand. I am told that if you have SPD, you most likely have a speech issue. Mere is what they referred to as a lazy talker. She does not care to stop & take the time to pronounce the word correctly. She will leave off endings or replace letter sounds with ones that are easier for her. However if tested she can pronounce them properly. I am not speech pathologist by any means but I spend many hours finding ways & tips to help her. She gets very frustrated when people do not understand her & more frustrated when she can't get the right sound. I find this to be one of the hardest issues, because she is a bigger girl, she could easily pass for a 6/7 year old but then she speaks she does not have the articulation of a 6/7 year old. I'll just say this; other kids & adults can be really mean. There was a little girl in karate that would literally not sit by her because of the way she talked. I have had to confront adults who have laughed at the way she pronounces things-- just be kind & teach your kids to be kind.

Life with SPD is good, it is hard, it is always changing, it is accepting that not everyone will understand her, in fact most won't, it is your heart exploding when you meet friends who love & accept her for who God created her to be, it is never letting her use it as an excuse, it is always finding ways to teach her, it is learning to have really thick skin, it is getting to experience a love like I never known, it is teaching her that she has purpose, that normal is boring, that little girls like her turn into women that change the world. 

Kindergarten is Coming

I have spent most of this year agonizing over what might seem like a silly decision to most.  I have lost sleep, shed tears, prayed til I had no more words left, stress ate, and didn't eat... all over the decision to homeschool or send my youngest to an actual traditional school. If we haven't met yet, you might want to know that I over analyze everything. While the majority of parents just pop their kids on the yellow bus & trust it's what is best; I seem to have missed that class on how to be chill & breezy with my child's education. I really do admire those breezy folks, its just not how I'm wired.

 There is so much more to it than meets the eye. See my mother is the KG teacher & has taught not only me but also every grandchild to date. So Meredith would be the only one who didn't get to have her as a teacher. My mom is probably one of the best primary teachers I have ever met & I'm not saying that just because she is my mom. More often than I can count I am asked "Are you Mrs Kellermann's daughter? She was my favorite teacher!..."

As many of you know Meredith is not your "traditional" child. Her sensory processing disorder & speech issues cause her much grief in this "norm crazed" world, but honestly is her greatest gift. Our education system doesn't allot much room for kids like her, they like a one size fits all. The thought of "normalizing" her makes me cringe, that is the last thing I want. I love exactly who she is. So after many conversations, evaluations, & sleepless nights we finally made the decision to homeschool her.

I have never been a believer in a one size fits all. Homeschool was the best decision we made for her sister but I promised myself when we started this journey that #1 we would never commit to more than 1 year (every year, even tho my oldest says she is never returning to a normal school ;) and #2 never treat each daughter the same. My two girls are polar opposites. The statement "it's not fair" doesn't get you far in our house. What works for one doesn't mean it will work for the other. At the end of the day when all options were weighed we knew what the right thing was for her & for our family.

So while I can remember like it was yesterday, dropping my oldest off at KG, leaving with the most gut wrenching feeling. I am overjoyed that this time around, there are no butterflies, no tears. Meredith is so excited to get started, she asks me everyday if she can start today?! I am over here loving that I am not sick with anxiety over my daughter leaving for full day KG. I know that we will get to work & learn "Meredith style". We are just enjoying life & all it brings. I know there will be challenges ahead this year, teaching with a large age gap is challenging, a 6th grader & a KG means A LOT of responsibility for me. But there is one thing I am confident in, it is what is best for our family in this stage of life.

To all my mama's in the drop off line with a lump in your throat-- I am praying for you. You have taught them well now let them fly!

To all our friends heading back to school, starting new schools-- you've got this & remember to smile, everyone needs a smile on the first day!

To the teachers who no matter how many years you teach, the butterflies visit you too-- thank you for loving those kiddos, for drying their tears, giving hugs, smiles, your patients, encouragement, you are a blessing to so many!

And to my fellow homeschool mama's, do your future self a favor this year-- stay any our pj's a little longer, drink an extra cup of coffee, give that child one more kiss, one extra hug, take one more field trip, listen a little closer, snuggle a little longer, read one more book together-- one day they might be in another teacher's classroom who doesn't love them the way you can, so take advantage of it, do all the extras you can now, so your future self can thank you!

Learning to Hygge.

Today was a different kinda day in our homeschool. Today in the middle of our work day my girls began playing together and what was meant to be a 5 min break turned into a 2+ hour break; and later we ended the day closing the books & saying let's just do it tomorrow!

I was busy doing other household things & the longer I listened the more giggles I heard echoing through the walls,  imaginative play was at its best. The empty space underneath a bunk bed was transformed into a Sweet-Treat Shop, bendable wax straws became signature candies, special orders, deliveries, & new customers by the dozen. It made my heart pause and savor precious moments. A simple moment that allowed my soul to breathe. It's in the deep breaths of life, the ordinary moments that feel nothing short of extraordinary, when I am reminded that they are still children without a care in the world, innocence intact, trust bountiful, grace & forgiveness effortless.

My goal this year for myself, & for our home is to make room for "CALM" to allow more space in all aspects of our lives: our physical home, our schedules, our hearts, our love. Creating space to free us to do the things that truly, deeply matter to us. To have time to drop off a cake to my sister just because I want her to try it, to make a meal for a friend who is sick, to take the girls to a college basketball game, to read a book, to actually write a thank-you note,  to watch classic chick flicks, to bake a recipe that reminds me of my Granny, to invite friends over for a game night, to try a new recipe,  to have a real conversation without feeling rushed...
or a word that would best describe my goal, more "Hygge" (hoo-gah) if you are Danish, or are a nerd like me & are obsessed with the ways of the Danes you will understand.

Everything about this moment was Hygge. I had laundry up to my ears, the house a disaster of breakfast still out on the counter, donation truck arriving to pick up disguarded items, the dogs chasing the cats, the cats chasing the chickens (somedays my house is more like a zoo than a home), I was trying to squeeze in one more workout, it is cold outside with left over piles of brown snow outside, white chalky dust covering my hardwood floors from the snow & salt, but together there was warmth, candles burning & a wood burning fire smoldering, meaningful interactions, love & laughter. A moment that I did not want to end. Yes we still had American history, Astronomy, Grammar & Bible to complete before we could call it a day, but for some reason deep inside me, I could not make them stop.

I am type A,  a rule follower, I love a schedule, organizing gets me excited, I live by my calendar & lists, so when I say that we begin school at 9 & have specific subjects to get done before the day ends, that is what we do. Flexibility is something I am constantly reminding myself of. The past few years I have struggled to learn the balance between work & play while homeschooling.  But today my heart said 'let them play'
                 -- in just a few years the hormones will be raging & there will be much bigger problems then the Sweet shop running out of sweets, or Meredith putting her arm through the wrong hole of the dress her character was wearing. There may come a day when my girls are not best friends. There will be a day when boyfriends come before their sister & the only dress up they will be playing will be that of prom dresses with lofty price tags  & screams of "YOU STOLE THAT FROM MY CLOSET!" There may be a day in the near future when they aren't together 24/7, and they won't have as many opportunities for play.

As a little sister myself, I can tell you that I don't remember much of what I learned from school, I am constantly reteaching myself concepts that I learned in school but didn't retain (thank God for google!) but I do remember, like it was yesterday all the memories I have growing up with sisters...

                  --all the nights I spent babysitting with my sister, the freezing cold car rides, singing all the way home "Can't no body... ", the $5 I got for helping her babysit, I remember our trips to Target,  that she'd jump the curb everyday turning into school to drop me off & we'd laugh about it every single time as if it didn't just happen the day before, my first sleepover at my sisters new house after she had gotten married, riding in the hatch of a CRX all the way to FL (apparently there were not seat belt laws like there are today) lol., my sister's water breaking in McDonalds & me thinking I was going to have to deliver a baby at 13yrs old, seeing my first niece for the very first time knowing that our hearts would be forever woven together, or the time we bought the family Christmas tree & tied it to the roof of the car not realizing we tied the doors shut too! LOLLLL! I remember her letting me sneak in her bed cause I hated sleeping alone (oh & sorry for that time I pee'd your bed!).  The firework stand & late night jumps on the trampoline. I could go on for hours, I have so many incredible memories with my sisters.

I try to remind myself often that I am not raising children, I am raising adults. And at the end of the day I really don't care if they know how many moons Saturn has or the name of the oldest naval vessel still afloat today... (by the way I totally had to look both of those up to teach. lol) what I care about is their hearts, their souls, I want them to look back at their childhood with happy memories. I know today's world is so focused on being the best, the top, the smartest, the push, the drive to always be better than the next- we now have preschoolers tutoring, oh & if you didn't know preschool now starts at 2 yr old?! Training kids in sports as if every single child will become a professional athlete or Olympian, not to mention the amount of money being poured out for all these activities & for what? (I'm guilty of this too!)  But maybe that is part of the problem, kids aren't playing enough (and Im not talking about sports). I have read every article on academia & recess time that I can get my hands on. All I know is as a mother having one child who is labeled by our education system as academically "gifted" & one that is labeled "special school district" who struggles with traditional learning, here is what I know to be true, neither child struggles or excels while playing. While playing they are all on equal fields, they are solving problems, working together, making goals, learning to resolve conflict all the while laughing & having fun. No one feeling superior or inferior, they're just kids, being kids. They have no labels, no test, no number or measure of their intelligence. They are happy. And I don't know about you but I sure do learn better when I am happy then when I am being tested.

SO for all you homeschool moms take a break & let them play, they won't remember how to solve the quadratic equation when they are 30 anyways. For all the teachers out there take an extra recess, breathe in the fresh air & give yourself a pat on the back cause you deserve it!

Here's to playing more, stressing less & filling our souls with happy memories!

Highlight Rolls.

I read this quote this morning another friend had posted & it resonated so deeply in my heart. These simple words hold so much truth.  Sometimes we only see the highlights of people, or we meet someone when they have reached the top of their mountain. We judge their life but what we see in the moment on top of the mountain, but we forget to ask about the climb.

For me personally, if you meet me in this season of life, or only know me through the Insta world, I understand how it could seem like we have it all together, it might look like we have "arrived". In the eyes of the world I guess some might say, we have "it made". But if you really know us & have known us for a long time, you know we had some ginormous mountains to climb to get here. From years learning how to make a blended family work,  learning of how two people with such polar opposite personalities could possibly live peacefully with each other,  years of infertility, miscarriages & specialists. Almost loosing our home & everything we owned. Wondering how we would have enough gas to pick up our daughter from school. Having to ask friends & family for money for groceries, one of the most humbling experiences of our lives. There are many struggles we have had along they way that I could share with you, but I think you get the picture. We have fought & fought hard to get to where we are today. That is not to say that today is perfect, today comes with new set of struggles as we enter a new season of dealing with the health of our own parents, helping our youngest manage through life with SPD, and helping our 10 year old juggle new emotions, hormone shifts & finding her passions in life. I have learned that no matter the struggle, we will find joy in the journey & be stronger for it. I have learned to embarace  the pain. The struggles in the climb make the mountain view that much more glorious!

So if you look at me or someone else & you only see the highlight roll, I urge you to look deeper to ask questions, to not judge but rejoice with them.

How we got here...

Yes, I love my step daughter & we have a great relationship, I love the unique bond that we share-She's been with me in my marriage since day one. We are really good at ganging up on Dad together ;) She gives awesome advise, helps keep me in style. She understands my kids & loves them like her own, cause they are her sisters after all! She knows the craziness of our extended families, all the holiday traditions, family board meetings.... It's like having a friend who knows all your secrets, inside jokes & still loves you. But she will be one of the first to tell you it was not always this way. There were many days when she thought I was the wicked witch & I thought she was the bride of chuckie- just kidding!! {Needed a little humor ;) } But I did think I had made a mistake by marrying someone with a child. If you are a step parent out there, hats off to you! It is one of the hardest jobs but I can tell you, be patient & keep loving them the best way you know how. One day it will pay off!

When Jason & I went through pre marital counseling, we had to take a stack of personality test. I'll never forget the pastor sat across from us & said, "Well... you will either be the perfect balance for each other or you will kill each other!" LOL! He was right! I was a 1, he was a 10 on everything! I have to tell you the first 5 years of our marriage, I am pretty sure we both wanted to kill each other. We both thought we had made the biggest mistake of our lives. There was no honeymoon phase. Through the years we have learned to love & appreciate each others differences, we have learned to balance each other. I am the piglet, to jason's tigger like style. As the saying goes, "You keep me safe, I'll keep you wild." That sums up our relationship. And I can honestly say now, that he is my very best friend, and there is no one in this world better suited for me.

I was recently accused of being "too proud" of my kids. In the moment that statement really hurt my feelings but after processing it I decided, if there is anything in life I want to be accused of, I'll take that one! I hope that my kids think that! I can only speak from my perspective but as a women who never thought she would ever have the opportunity to become a MOM, you better believe it is my favorite job. We went through so much & no one will never know, all the tears & prayers shed for each of my children. And even still as we have tried for #3, it is not easy. I have always felt like I would have 3. We are still wanting & trying every month for that number of completion & I have to tell you no matter how many months pass it doesn't get easier, you get stronger. If #3 never happens for us, I am perfectly content with that. Because yes, I love being a mom, I am unapologetically proud of my girls, simply because I can call them mine. Simply because they call me MOM. I have a conversation often with our 10 year old that goes like this " Just do your best, all you can be is 100 % Karly & no one else can be her. I don't care what part you get, if you play the entire song wrong, if you don't make ever touch the ball, or if you fail on a test, I am proud of you & will love you always because you are mine!"

The material things we have now are nice but I can tell you they mean very little to us. Neither Jason or I came from money. We came from hard working parents doing everything they could to provide the best for their families. My husband has had to work his tail off, from over coming addictions, a criminal record, a really ugly past, to get to where he is today. He continues to put in countless hours & also teach others to do what he is doing.  He did not graduate from college & walk into a cooshie job, not many people would give someone with his background a chance, so he had to build himself & his business on his own.

I say all this for one reason, when you look at my feed or meet someone & think they are living the fairytale, and think their life is fake, remember there is a more than meets the eye. Their mountain may be huge, they may be living large & their view is breathtaking, but most likely so was that mountain they had to climb. So rejoice with them, be happy for them, grab hands & walk with them on their journey so that you too can enjoy the view.

As lyrics from one of my favorite songs says:

",,,You bring me up here on this mountain

For me to rest and learn and grow

I see the truth up on the mountain And I carry it to the world far belowSo as I go down to the valleyKnowing that You will go with meThis is my prayer, LordHelp me to remember what You've shown meUp on the mountain..."

Is Santa Real?

Is Santa real?
Where does Santa live?
How does he get to every single person's house in one night?
How old is Santa?
Does Santa like nuts in his cookies?
Why does every mall Santa look different?

These are a handful of the questions I have answered through the years a long with many more & I am sure there are more to come since my youngest is only 4.

About a month ago Jason & I started talking about when was the right time to tell Karly about the in's & out's of Santa. Yes, in this family, we believe! Christmas is a HUGE event, we look forward to all year. I have the greatest honor being raised in a family whose holiday traditions could warm any grinch heart. From Christmas Eve sleepovers & marshmallow fights to cranberry tea, appetizer night, and maw maw's treasure hunt. We truly believe you are only a child once and it should hold as much magic as possible.

Karly is almost 10-- ahhh!! double digits are so close! She has never really pressed me on questioned Santa. Kids have told her he isn't real but she would always tell me, "Mom, I bet they think that because they are on the naughty list!" lol.  And how could I argue with such great deductive reasoning?! As she has gotten older it has been much harder to keep the secret. After many conversations, Jason & I both knew it was time. Most of her extracurriculars are with older kids & it has always been our goal to tell her in a way that would be special, not let some little punk crush her heart; there will be enough opportunities for that when she is much older ;). We believe that unveiling this secret didn't have to be traumatizing or heart breaking but could be a lesson of something much greater. We planned for the day & made a big event out of it. Like a rite of passage. Meredith spent the day with Maw Maw & so we should have a "Karly day". When she woke that morning we presented her with this letter: (thanks to Pinterest I was able to find some letters & tweak them to make them fit for our family)

Dear Karly,

We’ve been waiting for this day to come. We have talked & wondered when the right time would be to let you in on a very special secret. The biggest secret you may ever have to keep! Dad & I have watched you grow so much this year, we see you growing into such a beautiful girl. We believe that you are ready for this very very special secret.

Through the years you have asked if Santa is real. Some kids may have told you he is not, or that it is just your parents. We know that you have wanted to know the real answer to this question for a really long time. The truth is no, your Dad & I are not Santa. Yes, Santa does exist! Just not as you have thought. 

We are the ones who fills your stocking, shop for gifts, wrap your presents placed underneath the tree on Christmas Morning, the same way our parents did for us and their parents did for them. And I imagine you will do for your children some day. You will love seeing the joy on their faces & the excitement of Christmas.

But this could never make any one of us Santa. Santa is the Magic of Christmas, it is lots and lots of people who keep the Spirit of Christmas alive. The spirit of Christmas lives in our hearts- not at the North Pole. It is love and magic and the spirit of giving to others.  What it does is simple but so powerful. Believing in Santa teaches children how to believe in something they cannot see. One of the most important lessons in life. 

Throughout your life you will need this lesson to believe in yourself, in your friends, in your talents, in your family, but most of all to believe in God. You will need to be able to believe in things you cannot measure or hold in your hand, like love, faith, joy, peace.

Now you know how the man in the red suit gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve, he has a lot of help from people whose hearts are filled with joy, and want to share this joy with others. With full hearts, people like, Mommy & Daddy do a job that otherwise would be impossible.

So no we are not Santa, no one person could do what Santa does. The spirit of Christmas is kept alive by those whom hearts are filled with love and magic, hope and happiness. It is having faith to believe in something we cannot see. Just like how we must have faith to believe in Jesus. Until we get to heaven we will never be able to see Jesus but we know that He lives with us everyday. Jesus wants us to spread His love & joy to those around us, He wants us to be watchful for those in need. He wants us to think of others first. Just like Santa does on Christmas.

We are on his team, and now you are too!

Now that you are on his team, you have a very important job! It is your job to keep the Spirit of Christmas  alive for others who do not yet know the secret. You must never tell a friend, cousin or sister of this secret! Your job now is to listen closely to those around you mention things they could use or notice things that other people around you need. And when you do, you now get to be Santa to someone else! You will soon understand that is really is more fun to give than to receive! We want you to be watching & listening this season & when you hear someone say they need something, make note of it. And then talk to Mom & Dad so we can help you purchase the item, then you will buy, wrap & leave gifts for someone, signed Santa. They will never know it was you, you must not ever tell them. That is the magic of Santa, the spirit of Christmas, loving & sharing joy with others!

So you have a very big job this year, one that we are trusting you with. Your sister still has many years before she is ready to know this Christmas secret. So on Thanksgiving it is now your turn to hide, create & play one of the best games of Christmas. It is now your turn to plan, hide, create actives for Dorothy. You are such a great teacher I know that you will do a great job!

Now today, it’s time for us to get ready & head out to shop for the arrival of Dorothy!

Xoxo,

Mom & Dad

She sat reading intently hanging on to every last word. And we were relieved to hear that she was not upset or sad, but ready to go shop! We spent the morning hitting Starbucks (cause that is what big girls do!) and making mischievous plans for our little elf. 

She was so excited to be in on the secret, that our elf had to come a day early...

After a couple nights of being Santa's helper, I was putting her to bed & she said, "Mom thanks for letting me be Dorothy (our elf).I really love doing it for Meredith" It was one of the sweetest moments I have had as a parent. One of those moments when you feel like maybe you aren't so shabby after all. lol. Maybe I am doing something right! I am amazed at how much love & thought she puts into her new role. I have no doubt that she was ready to give up this little piece of her childhood, her heart has been growing, and although I have moments that I wish I could sit her under the tree & watch the magic in her twinkling face. My heart loves seeing her pour that same magic into someone else. It's the bittersweet moment of knowing my role as a parent , isn't to keep them my little children, but to raise amazing adults. For us this was a big event, and I am sure everyone has their own way of sharing this secret, so no matter how this plays out in your family, we wish you the merriest, happiest Christmas! 

(PS: this mama also loves not having to remembering to move the elf  any more;)

What's for Dinner?

Life is crazy & chaotic these days. We have hit that phase  in life where we are running  EVERY. SINGLE. night; piano, basketball 3 nights a week, karate, swimming, art lessons, American Heritage Girls, theater... and on top of that my husband is gone every night to take care of his parents.
Most nights I am lucky if I remember to feed my kids.
Literally!

I forgot dinner last Wednesday, we were leaving art lessons driving to basketball and Karly says, "Mom, where is dinner?!"  << Whoops! >>  I am pretty sure my kids will never let me live that down.

With no time to run through the drive thru...What to do?...

I started digging in my purse, cause let's be honest every mom knows where to find a leftover snack! I offered a baggie of crushed goldfish and graciously reminded them that some kids in the world are starving, they can survive going without one meal. No one took me up on my goldfish offer. So clearly they were not starving! LOL! (If you ever think I have this parenting thing down, let this be your reminder, I do not! ;)

Tonight we got to sit down as a family & eat dinner. I know this sounds like a ridiculously simple thing, but these days it is incredibly rare. I know that it is just the season of life we are in, but it felt SOO comforting to all be together sharing a healthy homemade meal.

I pulled this recipe off Pinterest  (recipe here) just because I had all the ingredients, but it was a winner! Everyone came back for seconds, even my little picky pants!

**And to you Moms (or Dads) out there, I just want to say, whether you are feeding your child snacks from the bottom of the bag or healthy homemade dinners, you are killing it! Give yourself grace. Laugh at the silly moments and trust me, they will live! Personally, I think my kids enjoyed seeing me scramble & now they forever have a great story to tell, about the time mom forgot to feed them ;) Every kids need a good story to tell! **

Enjoy!

Leaving a Legacy

I'll never forget the first time I met this man, he was tall, strong, built like a linebacker. He had a presence about him that was both intimidating & reassuring. I was walking in for my first "real" grown up interview. I had just moved back home for college, did not want to live at home and was desperate for money. My sister knew of a job opening with a custom home builder, so I made the phone call & got an interview. Now you might think I have a degree in interior design, marketing, sales, architecture or engineering.... nope! I was a psych major. I knew nothing about homes.
This stately white haired man sat across from me, asked me 3 questions:
Do you have kids?
How old are you?
Why should I hire you?
...and said ,"ok I'll have someone call you." It was the easiest interview I have ever had to date. Little did I know that a year later that man would become my father in law.

Although he has never told me I think he loved popping in my office to interrogate me. At the beginning it made me so incredibly nervous. This man who had built a lucrative business was sitting at my desk asking me questions that he had to know the answers to; that I, the new sales assistant, had no clue how to answer! My palms would sweat, my heart would race, I would feel like a babbling idiot, pretty sure I had sweaty pit stains, more than I care to admit. Then one morning he popped in & sat himself back in my chair and begin asking me questions of a more personal content and that was when I realized his interrogation had nothing to do with "work" but had everything to do with getting to know me. He got up from my desk & pointed at me as he walked out the office and said "you're alright kid!" And we began this little banter every morning of me getting him coffee & his asking "did you touch the rim?" (He did not want anyone touching the part he drank from. lol.) It was a series of questions & joking back & forth. If you know him, you know he loves watching people squirm.

As time went on I had babies, ended up leaving that sales assistant position to be a stay at home mom. Watching him with my babies was a sight to see. He was so good at knowing just what they needed. It was like he could just read their little minds. He could interpret each little coo & goo.

This past Father's Day we went to their home for dinner. While Jason played in the yard with the girls he sat across from me & very seriously, so intensely he said " LeAnn, I gotta tell you I think what you are doing with those girls is just great. The things your teaching them, makes me proud. Don't ever stop teaching them." If you know this man you know he is not a giver of warm loving words. That moment meant so much to me. Because he is a man of few affirmations I understood the weight of these words.

Little did I know that 2 weeks later he would be admitted to the hospital for the next 6 months. That his body would be racked with stage 4 cancer in his brain, bones, & lungs, he would suffer strokes, ecoli, bed sores that would leave him screaming in pain, phone calls that he may not make it through the night, and that my husband would now spend every evening/ night in the hospital with him because he needed 24/7 care.
Everyday. every hour. every breath mattered.

When someone you love is suffering it is never easy to watch. But seeing this strong ox of a man now in tears of pain, sunken in cheeks, no muscle to show for, unable to move his arms or legs,  unable to make a complete sentence--your heart completely shatters.

Bill, I could tell you this now but I am not sure that you would remember it or even fully understand. I know there were times that you were not the best father, loosing your own father at the age of 12. You never had an example of what a father should be, you were an absent father while trying to build a business, I know there were times that business decisions tore your family apart, times when family dinners felt more like business meetings. But I have had a front row seat to this stage of your life and I assure you, you are loved. I have watched your kids push themselves to the brink of exhaustion, fight with everything in them to get you the very best care imaginable. Your grandkids surround you with hugs, tears, pictures, ice-cream. Family fly in town to sit by your side. You may have worked your entire life to build a business but somewhere along the way you managed to also built a family that loves you more than you will ever know! I am so proud to call you my family.

So in true Bill fashion, let me just say " you aren't too shabby yourself, Boss!" ---xoxo.

*I wrote this post over a year and a half ago & I never hit publish. This man continued to fight hard, he had so many ups & downs. Days where he was full of life and days we all wondered if he would see tomorrow. Tonight I got "the call" the one you never want to get. But Boss it was time. You fought so long & so hard. I almost couldn't believe it was true cause you beat the odds so many times before! You are the strongest, most stubborn man & I believe you are up in heaven now telling Jesus how the heavenly homes should be built, talking politics & fussing with Grandma Pearl ;) As sad as it is to know that when we pop into visit I won't hear ya say, "Hey look who it is!, your chair will be empty, & no one will be there to feed my kids loads of ice-cream; but I am so happy you are pain free, your body healed, you are HOME. 

Facebook Friends?

I have a love hate relationship with Facebook. Love connecting with long lost friends, catching up with old roomies, keeping up with friends that have moved, seeing friends get married & watching little ones grow... but then there is the politics, the rude comments that people would never say face to face, only showing highlights of life, no real connection, no real meaningful friendships, the MLM selling (yes I went there ;) I can say this because I built an entire business on fb, it works. I get it! (no pun intended)...

The other day I was walking into Target & I saw a girl that I am friends with on FB, we each passed each other without saying a word or even a nod, and I thought to myself, why am I friends with someone in the social media world who I am not even comfortable enough to say "hello" to in person & visa versa. I find it such a strange phenomenon. We let people into our world, see so many details of each others lives, we call them "friends". When in all honesty, we are only FRIENDS with a hand full of our "friends".  I had decided that I was over Facebook. I was tired of the phony friendship, irritated by the people who ask to me be "friend" them but then judge the way we do life, the people who find posts of my kids annoying... I was done wasting time writing posts, reading posts & spending my time on things that didn't matter.
Why was I scrolling Facebook instead of playing pirates with my own little one?

So I decided it was time to step away from the FB world & found it incredibly freeing, uplifting. I was completely out of the loop & loving it. Not long after signing off I started getting messages from friends telling me that they missed my posts, they loved seeing what we were learning, they actually missed what I had to contribute & how I had been encouraging them.  I begin to think about family members who don't have Instagram & they were telling me how much they were missing seeing what we were doing. So I decided to cave.

I'm back...... dun dun dun! ;)

SO maybe we aren't FRIENDS
you don't know my deepest darkest secrets & maybe you are not the one I text at 11pm when I've watched one too many episodes of Grey's & think I now have a terminal disease, or when I have eaten one too many pieces of halloween candy and may need to borrow some spanks! We may never have had an actual face to face conversation, you may not understand that the million posts of my kids is not to show off or say look at me, but they are for Grandma's who miss them. You may think that my educational post are an attack of your educational choice, let me assure you they are not. I come from a family of teachers, public, private, homeschool... I have never met 2 kids the exact same, so believe me when I say do what is best for your child.
{And since we are on the topic & I am on a roll ---
not all homeschooled kids are the same either. Yes, I will be the first to assure you there are some bizarre homeschooled kids out there, but if you have ever walked through ANY school... there are some really bizarre kids everywhere you go! Yes, my kids bathe, brush their hair & gets fully dressed everyday, but somedays we sleep til 9 & we do school on our pj's , just because we can! We actually follow a schedule & curriculum. mind blowing, I know! And to answer you next question: yes, my children get TONS of social interaction, with people of all ages. My girls' social calendar would probably make you dizzy. Lastly, please don't quiz my kids (sigh!) There are those who feel the need to quiz my kids on what they are learning but yet have no idea what curriculum their own child is studying. Seems a bit hypocritical. So... if you feel so inclined to quiz my child, I will suddenly feel the need to quiz you on what your child's education & learning styles, so be ready ;) lol! Ok sorry about that little ramble. I know everyone means well but really folks homeschooling has come a LONG way, the most recent stat I read said 1.8 million students in the US are homeschooled. So if you haven't met a "normal" homeschooler maybe YOU should get out more ;) LOL. } Enough of my rant. oh if you don't know me well enough to know, please insert loads of sarcasm in the previous paragraph ;)}

If you are still reading & my crazy unusual lifestyle inspires you to find what you are passionate about, if I can share with you something fun to do with you child, if I can be an example of a mom who actually likes spending time with her kids, if you think I may be slightly insane but you are intrigued, if you are new to your homeschool journey & you need to know you are not alone, if you want to talk curriculum, learning styles, & parenting techniques, than by golly I am here! I by no means think I have all the answers or that my way is the only way. Being a mom is hard, working full time is hard, being a wife is hard, being a teacher is hard & when you put all those things on the shoulders of one person there are days when you will question your decisions & abilities. If any of this sounds like you, then please "friend" me!

My Stage.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul

It is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Tonight I stood singing these words over my youngest, very much like I do most every night, nothing unordinary or special about this night. Her eyes heavy, aromas of lavender swirling the room, the twinkling of the stars glimmering through the window, stark quietness, nothing but silence & my voice. I have sang this song over her more than 100x's by now. But tonight she peeked at me with her heavy eyelids, as if bricks were holding them closed, and said "mama sing it again, I love that song."

As I stood on the bottom bunk bed so that I could rub her back, looking slightly crazed, doing somewhat of a circus balancing act between the books & toys scattered on her bed. I had a moment -- God dropped this little nugget into my heart " Perhaps you were created for such a time as this." Ester 4:14

Recently my husband & I were having a conversation about our gifts & passions in life. From the outside I can be hard to figure out. I am a jack of all traits, master of none. But my husband knows that there is nothing I love more than being a mom. He reminded me of what I have always known but afraid to say, afraid that others may see it as bragging, or thinking I think I am better than they are... That... my mom game is strong. :) Nothing makes me come alive like being a mother. Nothing gives me purpose like those two little beauties. Nothing excites me more. I truly love every moment: the sick days, the diapers, the sleepless nights, potty training, first words, first giggles, when they throw their arms up for you to pick them up, rolling them out of the car asleep & juggling them up stairs & into bed, the deep conversations, watching them grow, the "why" phase... I love it all. That is not to say I love all kids this way, there is just something that came alive in me when I became a mom. Something I never knew I needed but always wanted.

Before having my babies, even a few years after having babies, I had spent hours, days, years singing-- the vocal lessons, rehearsals, choirs, solos, competitions, studios, performances, auditions, traveling, scholarships, bands, gigs... It was one of my first loves, if not my very first love. I remember being really young, maybe 5 or 6 & my sister making me a microphone out of duct-tape (what can I say we are Charlie's daughters ;) We can make anything with duct tape!) Music and the stage took me to somewhere life wouldn't allow me to go. It allowed me to be someone I was to shy to be in real life. Friends often asked me "how can you sing in front of thousands but hate making a phone call?" I look back at all the years I spent with a microphone in hand and think perhaps all of that lead me to this very moment to be able to sing sweet lullabies to my sweet baby girl. My girl who doesn't like listening to music, holds her ears in stores because of the music, yells "TOO LOUD" at the radio, yet with every ounce of energy she has left. begs for one more song.

 I was recently having lunch with a former pastor friend and he asked, "Are you still singing?" No, I replied with a sheepish grin, knowing what he was thinking, that I should be. That I was wasting my God given talent..." Really I have no idea what he was thinking but in my mind that is what he wanted to say but so politely didn't.  But the truth is, YES! I am still singing, its not on stage for the world but I am the star, my audience cheers for 'one more song' every night, the gig doesn't pay well but it makes me so rich in love. I don't have to travel or rehearse, sometimes I even make up my own words & no one cares. I am singing for the most important people I have ever met & it is by far my favorite show, and there is no where else I would rather be. The two things I love most in life uniting to fulfill my heart in ways I never knew possible. Perhaps I was created for such a time as this, that whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say it is well with my soul.

Homeschool is our happy place.

As promised, an update on our home school adventure

Here we are, 1/2 way through our very 1st home-school year (and everyone is still breathing ;)!!! In some ways I still feel very green and in other ways I feel so knowledgeable, experienced & somewhat of a pro on this subject.

I can honestly say WE have learned A LOT, and when say we, I am not misusing the figure of speech. My kids are not the only ones learning. I'm learning so much everyday--what motivates my children, what my oldest had actually learned in previous years, what sparks their interest, subjects they dread & ones they love, character traits we need to work on, what makes them come alive! I'm relearning hieroglyphics , distributive property, eco systems, branches of government... all those things I only learned for the test, along with finding my own strengths and weaknesses. How to juggle home school along with real life, all its other responsibilities, how to not care what others think of the way we do school...
WE have learned SO much!

dissecting owl pellets

When we began this year I knew I needed challenging curriculum for my 9 yr old. She is a very fast learner and was breezing through school (even after skipping a grade). There are a lot of parents out there that think that is a good thing, that think I should let her make all 100% on everything-- Her transcripts will be amazing! She'll get into whatever private high school or college she chooses... very true. I understand the thought process and it would be much "easier" to leave her to the school system. But easier isn't always better!

My goal as a parent isn't raising a kid who gets A's. I want a kid who can function well in life as an adult. In life you have to be able to accept failure. You find your strength in doing things you thought you could not do. Learning is not expressing what you already know. I want her to know it ok's to get a "bad" grade (you know , a 99% lol) I don't want her to have a melt down in college when a college professor gives her a B on a paper. I don't want her thinking that failure is bad, or that she is better than others who struggle in academics. When she faces something challenging I want her to know how to push herself. With all these thoughts in mind, I did it! I picked some of the most challenging curriculum I could find, every single subject was going to be a learning curve. No more being able to just sit back & coast through school. It was time to get to work.

What I did not foresee was that by 8 yrs old she had already developed "coasting" habits. She did not know how to study, how to push herself, how to work at something. It didn't take long to know we were headed to a rocky start! I am not going to sugar coat it, we have had days that she was in tears, days I was in tears, days we've closed the books & said lets try again tomorrow. Days I questioned if I was pushing her too hard?, was it too big of a jump?... We now have a talk about once a month, " The Good, The Bad & The Ugly": The things we love about home school, the things we hate about home school, and the things we can work on to make it better. It was important for me to hear her feed back, for her to be proactive in her education... (because we are all learning this home school thing! Shoot, I am not the one that will be writing those college essays, she needs to learn young how to be proactive about her education) Everyday we kept plugging away, trying new things every week.

I get all happy inside to tell you, we have made it 1/2 way and we are LOVING it! We have made MANY adjustments from the very 1st day. We have thrown out certain curriculum & purchased new ones. We have found friends that do life & school like we do. We have rearranged our day & how we work. We have found our "groove" so to speak. I am not saying that everyday is smiles & sunshine. Everyone has a bad day here & there. In those bad days, I have learned not to question my choice, she has learned how to focus with a 3 yr old little sister. ;) I have learned to let go of what others are doing or trying to make it look like a school day. I cannot even explain the mental challenges that come from being a home school mom. If you are not careful you can fall into a slippery slope of questioning everything you do. We have both gained confidence.

I could go on for hours about the things I love about home school, but the thing that trumps them all is the growing confidence in my girl. Last year at this time we started noticing a lack of self confidence, caught up in a world of questioning:her clothing choices, her friendships, who she was & what she was good at... Lets just be frank-- Girls are mean!

Fast forward a year, this girl is blooming, her self confidence is exploding, I watch her make friends with total strangers at ease, hold conversations better than many adults I know, stepping out of her comfort zone in countless ways,  cultivating her own self worth, developing a work ethic, not being afraid to speak the truth, confront conflict in a healthy way, knowing what God has gifted her at & pursuing it, maturing into being 100% authentic, Karly.

 At this point going back to school is like a cuss word in our house. I do not know how long we will home school, if we will home school one year or 10, but I do know that for now home school is our happy place. There is something about this way of life that is mysteriously beautiful. It is not something I can put into words. Teaching children with different learning styles at drastically different levels is insanely hard, but I can whole heatedly tell you, next to falling in love with my husband & birthing these 2 babies, there is no greater gift. I am convinced some people wander through life never really finding their happy place, and I am so grateful & blessed to live in ours each & everyday.

Thru my daughter's eyes...

 I'm sorry that I hurt you when I was hugging you, that is what feels good to me. I wanted you to feel good too.

I'm sorry that I pushed you on the playground, I was just playing, I wanted you to be my friend, but instead I made you cry. I love to wrestle, it makes me feel alive. Please don't think I am mean, I am not mean, I never meant to hurt you. I hate that I make my friends cry.

I get so sad when my froggy friend no longer moves in my hand, I just wanted to feel his bumpy skin.

I wish I didn't eat so much, but I never feel satisfied.

I know that it seems weird when I ask if I can smell you but it helps me interpret this world around me. I am trying to understand why smells make me feel better. I don't care what you smell like or if you showered today I just want to be able to understand this world that I am in.

I know I look a little homeless sometimes, my clothes don't match and my hair is not brushed. My mommy knows that when we brush my hair it is painful to me. She says what matters is that my inside is pretty. I know you don't understand, but won't you love me & be kind to me even if I don't look fancy on the outside?

I would probably make a great ballet dancer because I can walk on my toes longer than most anyone I know.

Since the very first day I could pull up on my crib I have jumped myself to sleep, I know it sounds crazy but rough movements help me to relax. So if its 8pm & I'm jumping on the trampoline, don't judge my parents, they are helping me fall asleep.

Please don't call me names--yes, I have a lot of energy, I know you don't mean to hurt my feelings but I know what you are really trying to say when you call me those names, like spirited, stubborn, strong willed.... You are saying that I am bad, that I am different, that I don't belong.

I seek your approval, I want to know I am loved. Just like you want to know you are loved and accepted for who you are.

My body doesn't feel the same way yours does. I am constantly moving because I am trying to find my place. I don't interpret the world like you do, My nervous system is starved for attention.

Sounds are very difficult for me to process, they create chaos in my mind that I cannot organize. I didn't know I was talking loud, my entire world is loud. I was just repeating what I hear. When the noise gets too much for me, I hold me ears or cover my head with a blanket.

I'm sorry it annoys you when I interrupt you, I didn't even hear the conversation happening. I just wanted to talk to my mommy & I know that you may not understand me, but she does.

Pain? I rarely feel pain. I get shots without even a whimper. Some say I am tough as nails. Just because I don't feel much pain doesn't mean my feelings don't get hurt. I rarely cry when I am hurt, but I cry a lot when I am sad.

If you spend much time with me you will hear me say, "Mom, I don't know what to do?" This is my way of asking for help. When my senses are sending me wrong signals I often need help interpreting what they are telling me.

It is hard to be apart of a world, where you look normal and sound normal, but feel anything but normal. You probably think I am throwing a tantrum, that my parents are just weak & giving in, it may look like I rule the roost or that I am out of control, let me assure you, I am not, my parents are trying very hard to teach my how to understand what I am experiencing. Everyday has its new challenges and new wins. Like we figured out that if I chew gum between meals I don't snack all day. That if I eat dinner on my special plate I never even ask for seconds, because I am not really hungry after all.

I am Meredith, I am what they refer to as a seeker! I have a sensory processing disorder, in some areas I am hypersensitive, like when it comes to sound but in most other areas I am hypo sensitive.

I am full of life & love & energy! If you want to go to an amusement park, rock climbing or seek adventure, I am your girl!! And I hope you will be my friend and love me for who I am. I know that God made me perfect, seeker and all. My mommy tells me that even though it came as a shock to her that God is not at all surprised. And even though I will never grown out of it, I know that my Mom & Dad are dedicated to helping me figure out this world on day at a time. So you might want to say a prayer for them ;)

getting a handle on it.

Before I began this adventure I spoke to as many homeschooling mom's as I possibly could, some of them dear friends I had known for years, others our paths had randomly crossed. It didn't matter to me how we came to meet, I was on a mission, and aside from the books, curriculum, learning styles, teaching styles, blogs, assessments, activities... every single mom managed to say the exact same words to me, "When you start you will question everything you are doing, but trust me you are doing it right." It was the strangest concept to me that each one of them told me this exact same phrase. At first, I didn't know what to make of it, were talking about not knowing how to solve the math problems, structure the day, track hours, question the choice to homeschool? So, I would just shake my head yes & say "I keep hearing that".  I stored it away in the back of my mind because undoubtedly I needed to clinch onto this nugget.

We have officially finished our first couple weeks and I now can say, I TOTALLY get it!

Living life differently than the norm can leave you with lots of questions.

Most days we are finished with all of our school work before lunch! That leaves you asking yourself if you are missing something, should I add a new subject or maybe give more work?

We only have a 4 day work week (Friday is for activities & field trips). You question if you will be able to get through all the material you need to cover in 4 days?

Constantly weighing bookwork vs hands on activities. 

You sit back & scratch your head wondering what they have been doing all this time in the classroom? It's amazing the difference between a classroom setting & teaching just one. I have been in both settings & can attest that is it a totally different teaching arena. Bathroom breaks, answering questions, discipling little Joey, getting out books, sharpening pencils all of those time wasters vanish when it is just you & your child. I swear we have done about 3 months of work in just 2 weeks.

Friends & activities. This one has been a hard one for me. As introverted as both me & my daughter are, we both have a huge need for quality friendships. Neither of us need a lot of friends but we do need a couple really great ones. It is a hard balance of too much & not enough. We have had moments that my daughter misses being around other kids all day, but she's also finding freedom in being 100% who she is, without the judgement or influence of others. For most homeschooled kids, that never been in school this is an easy transition but because Karly has been in school & used to being with other kids 7 hours a day it feels sort of odd at times. However, we've also talked about how being surround by people doesn't always mean you are with people that bring out the best in you. There are dear friends that we miss seeing everyday, but overall we know this is such a small piece of the really big puzzle. As new groups start up for us in the next coming week, we look forward to connecting with other families that do life in the same way we do.

A friend asked me the other day if I felt like she'd miss out on all the things school offers? At first it really bothered me thinking about things she could possibly miss out on in years to come, school dances, football games, sports, school assemblies, stuco... but something clicked with me as I really thought long & hard about it. She might miss the school dance, and she might miss the boy trying to feel her up, she might miss the football game and she might miss the crazy after party, she might miss the school assemblies she might miss all the ridicule & bullying, she might miss the team sports and she might miss the mean girls in the locker- room, she might miss being class president, and she might miss the popularity contest & clicks that don't matter the minute after you graduate... after I thought long and hard I realized she wasn't really missing out on anything.
(Side note: homeschoolers also have the opportunity to be involved with all these activities with other homeschoolers if they choose to participate. Homeschool is not what it used to be folks!) 

She doesn't worry about what to wear, hesitate to ask a dumb questions,  she never has to wonder if someone will laugh at her, she can be 100% who she was created to be, she knows no matter what, she is in a safe place that loves her, and I believe that this reason alone is allowing her so much growth. I have had handful of people tell me how much happier she seems. I told a dear friend the other day, I feel like I've gotten my Karly back, she has found herself again. For a long time I put off homeschooling because I never wanted to have that weird kid, or be the weird family. Then one day it hit me,  what do I care if people think we are weird, if we are happy? Have you ever seen a group of really dorky kids, having the best time ever? I don't know about you, but I love that. They are embracing who they are & found others that share their love. I'll take dorky any day over the cool, cliquey, rude, snotty... Like the saying goes "Find your tribe & love them hard."

 

One of the most rewarding moments I have had in these past couple weeks is seeing the relationship between my girls grow leaps & bounds. Don't get me wrong they are sisters & they have their moments, but I am also seeing them love & encourage each other like never before. Meredith is constantly telling Karly, " You got this girl!" and Karly is loving coming up with lessons to teach Meredith. Teaching is a gift of Karly's (she is so much like her maw maw), and being able to allow her to grow in this area has been so rewarding. 

In some strange way I am realizing that this homeschooling thing isn't all about her. I am constantly being stretched, it is pushing me daily to be better, self reflection can be so eye opening. When you have to be ON 24/7. it raises the standard. So far, homeschooling has a way of showing me my control issues, and I don't mean getting 100%'s and perfectly written papers. I'm talking about trusting God. We prayed & prayed & prayed over this decision. We had other's praying too, even though I KNOW this is best for our daughter. I still have moments of doubt. I am constantly hearing that still small voice saying " do you trust me?" I am a planner, I like to have everything laid out I want to know what my next 5 yrs will look like. I love expectation. At many moments along this short journey I have been remind that we have no guarantees. I don't know if we will homeschool for 1 yr or through high school. I don't know if my preschooler will ever enter a classroom. For the planner I am, this makes me crazy. There are times when I would like to take the 'easier' way out, and again God reminds me, "hey I've got this! just trust me!"

Although this may be one of the hardest challenges I have ever taken on, it is also effortless. I love the calm it has brought to our family. The rush has been eliminated, and that to me is a slice of heaven. We try to start everyday by 8:30, but sometimes that just doesn't happen, and that is perfectly ok. Somedays we are finished by noon & other days we work will 3. One day we might spend 2 hours on one subject & other days we might not open a text book. We move, we work, we live on our own schedule and that my friend, is freedom, is peaceful. I have so much more on my plate, it certainly isn't for the faint of heart, yet somehow I have more time now than ever before. I actually told my husband the other night, it is the best feeling in the world to not have a list of things I need to get done. I am learning to relax, enjoy the moment. Our nights are enjoyable, we are not rushing to get dinner thrown on the table, homework, lunches packed, clothes picked out for the next day, bath, bed... Now it is slow, it is delightful. We are cooking real food, tonight after dinner we sat & made beaded necklaces, played with toys, read as many stories as the girls wanted, said prayers, rubbed backs until my 2 littles drifted off to sleep. Our living is now quality over quantity. It is no longer about how much we can pack into one day but how much we can get out of one day.

Even though it is all really good. Just as I was warned, I still have my moments of questioning, "Am I doing this right? Am I doing the right thing?" I can honestly say I could not do this without the incredible support system I have. My husband has been nothing short of amazing. He has listened to every fear, question, doubt, he has watched me cry some of my darkest fears & has been so incredibly strong and encouraging to me. He is always there to remind me of my "Why". My sisters & my parents have been nothing but encouraging, never questioning, always supporting. They will never know how much it truly means to know that even in the hard moments you have people that believe in you, and not just people, but educators that believe you are doing what is best.

I know it is early in the year and we have a long journey ahead but I only see it going up from here. Finding joy in the journey. As I am finishing up typing this I realize that my thought are all over the place, yet with little effort or care to sort them. I will post this just as I thought them in a yearning to be real, to be raw. Life if changing, I am changing and I want to embrace it all. The questions, the chaos, the peace, the freedom, the fear; change is hard, but oh so worth it.

 
"Don't question your ability to teach your child. Question putting your child into the same system that left you feeling incapable of teaching your child. "