getting a handle on it.

Before I began this adventure I spoke to as many homeschooling mom's as I possibly could, some of them dear friends I had known for years, others our paths had randomly crossed. It didn't matter to me how we came to meet, I was on a mission, and aside from the books, curriculum, learning styles, teaching styles, blogs, assessments, activities... every single mom managed to say the exact same words to me, "When you start you will question everything you are doing, but trust me you are doing it right." It was the strangest concept to me that each one of them told me this exact same phrase. At first, I didn't know what to make of it, were talking about not knowing how to solve the math problems, structure the day, track hours, question the choice to homeschool? So, I would just shake my head yes & say "I keep hearing that".  I stored it away in the back of my mind because undoubtedly I needed to clinch onto this nugget.

We have officially finished our first couple weeks and I now can say, I TOTALLY get it!

Living life differently than the norm can leave you with lots of questions.

Most days we are finished with all of our school work before lunch! That leaves you asking yourself if you are missing something, should I add a new subject or maybe give more work?

We only have a 4 day work week (Friday is for activities & field trips). You question if you will be able to get through all the material you need to cover in 4 days?

Constantly weighing bookwork vs hands on activities. 

You sit back & scratch your head wondering what they have been doing all this time in the classroom? It's amazing the difference between a classroom setting & teaching just one. I have been in both settings & can attest that is it a totally different teaching arena. Bathroom breaks, answering questions, discipling little Joey, getting out books, sharpening pencils all of those time wasters vanish when it is just you & your child. I swear we have done about 3 months of work in just 2 weeks.

Friends & activities. This one has been a hard one for me. As introverted as both me & my daughter are, we both have a huge need for quality friendships. Neither of us need a lot of friends but we do need a couple really great ones. It is a hard balance of too much & not enough. We have had moments that my daughter misses being around other kids all day, but she's also finding freedom in being 100% who she is, without the judgement or influence of others. For most homeschooled kids, that never been in school this is an easy transition but because Karly has been in school & used to being with other kids 7 hours a day it feels sort of odd at times. However, we've also talked about how being surround by people doesn't always mean you are with people that bring out the best in you. There are dear friends that we miss seeing everyday, but overall we know this is such a small piece of the really big puzzle. As new groups start up for us in the next coming week, we look forward to connecting with other families that do life in the same way we do.

A friend asked me the other day if I felt like she'd miss out on all the things school offers? At first it really bothered me thinking about things she could possibly miss out on in years to come, school dances, football games, sports, school assemblies, stuco... but something clicked with me as I really thought long & hard about it. She might miss the school dance, and she might miss the boy trying to feel her up, she might miss the football game and she might miss the crazy after party, she might miss the school assemblies she might miss all the ridicule & bullying, she might miss the team sports and she might miss the mean girls in the locker- room, she might miss being class president, and she might miss the popularity contest & clicks that don't matter the minute after you graduate... after I thought long and hard I realized she wasn't really missing out on anything.
(Side note: homeschoolers also have the opportunity to be involved with all these activities with other homeschoolers if they choose to participate. Homeschool is not what it used to be folks!) 

She doesn't worry about what to wear, hesitate to ask a dumb questions,  she never has to wonder if someone will laugh at her, she can be 100% who she was created to be, she knows no matter what, she is in a safe place that loves her, and I believe that this reason alone is allowing her so much growth. I have had handful of people tell me how much happier she seems. I told a dear friend the other day, I feel like I've gotten my Karly back, she has found herself again. For a long time I put off homeschooling because I never wanted to have that weird kid, or be the weird family. Then one day it hit me,  what do I care if people think we are weird, if we are happy? Have you ever seen a group of really dorky kids, having the best time ever? I don't know about you, but I love that. They are embracing who they are & found others that share their love. I'll take dorky any day over the cool, cliquey, rude, snotty... Like the saying goes "Find your tribe & love them hard."

 

One of the most rewarding moments I have had in these past couple weeks is seeing the relationship between my girls grow leaps & bounds. Don't get me wrong they are sisters & they have their moments, but I am also seeing them love & encourage each other like never before. Meredith is constantly telling Karly, " You got this girl!" and Karly is loving coming up with lessons to teach Meredith. Teaching is a gift of Karly's (she is so much like her maw maw), and being able to allow her to grow in this area has been so rewarding. 

In some strange way I am realizing that this homeschooling thing isn't all about her. I am constantly being stretched, it is pushing me daily to be better, self reflection can be so eye opening. When you have to be ON 24/7. it raises the standard. So far, homeschooling has a way of showing me my control issues, and I don't mean getting 100%'s and perfectly written papers. I'm talking about trusting God. We prayed & prayed & prayed over this decision. We had other's praying too, even though I KNOW this is best for our daughter. I still have moments of doubt. I am constantly hearing that still small voice saying " do you trust me?" I am a planner, I like to have everything laid out I want to know what my next 5 yrs will look like. I love expectation. At many moments along this short journey I have been remind that we have no guarantees. I don't know if we will homeschool for 1 yr or through high school. I don't know if my preschooler will ever enter a classroom. For the planner I am, this makes me crazy. There are times when I would like to take the 'easier' way out, and again God reminds me, "hey I've got this! just trust me!"

Although this may be one of the hardest challenges I have ever taken on, it is also effortless. I love the calm it has brought to our family. The rush has been eliminated, and that to me is a slice of heaven. We try to start everyday by 8:30, but sometimes that just doesn't happen, and that is perfectly ok. Somedays we are finished by noon & other days we work will 3. One day we might spend 2 hours on one subject & other days we might not open a text book. We move, we work, we live on our own schedule and that my friend, is freedom, is peaceful. I have so much more on my plate, it certainly isn't for the faint of heart, yet somehow I have more time now than ever before. I actually told my husband the other night, it is the best feeling in the world to not have a list of things I need to get done. I am learning to relax, enjoy the moment. Our nights are enjoyable, we are not rushing to get dinner thrown on the table, homework, lunches packed, clothes picked out for the next day, bath, bed... Now it is slow, it is delightful. We are cooking real food, tonight after dinner we sat & made beaded necklaces, played with toys, read as many stories as the girls wanted, said prayers, rubbed backs until my 2 littles drifted off to sleep. Our living is now quality over quantity. It is no longer about how much we can pack into one day but how much we can get out of one day.

Even though it is all really good. Just as I was warned, I still have my moments of questioning, "Am I doing this right? Am I doing the right thing?" I can honestly say I could not do this without the incredible support system I have. My husband has been nothing short of amazing. He has listened to every fear, question, doubt, he has watched me cry some of my darkest fears & has been so incredibly strong and encouraging to me. He is always there to remind me of my "Why". My sisters & my parents have been nothing but encouraging, never questioning, always supporting. They will never know how much it truly means to know that even in the hard moments you have people that believe in you, and not just people, but educators that believe you are doing what is best.

I know it is early in the year and we have a long journey ahead but I only see it going up from here. Finding joy in the journey. As I am finishing up typing this I realize that my thought are all over the place, yet with little effort or care to sort them. I will post this just as I thought them in a yearning to be real, to be raw. Life if changing, I am changing and I want to embrace it all. The questions, the chaos, the peace, the freedom, the fear; change is hard, but oh so worth it.

 
"Don't question your ability to teach your child. Question putting your child into the same system that left you feeling incapable of teaching your child. "