Do you ever leave a conversation thinking:
"ugh, why did I say that?"
10 minutes later... "Oh I have a much better answer now"
"that totally did not come out right"
"sorry I just have nothing to say at that"
"could we resume this conversation in about 10 minutes, I need time to think..."
I'm going to be blatently honest about myself in this blog. I'm a horrible conversationalist. Infact I LOVE talkative people cause it makes my job so much easier. My closest friends fall into 2 categories: 1) extreme extroverts. they literally could talk to a tree & be completely satisfied or 2) Introverted & appreciates silence, they know we don't have to talk to have a good time, we embrace the silence until someone has something to say.
If you have ever went to dinner, coffee, playdate, etc. with me, I have had to deliberately think about what I will talk to you about. I have a mental list in my head of things to ask you or talk about. However once that list is complete, I am totally out of conversations. I am a person that will go out of their way to talk or not talk to someone, cause if I have not had time to think about what to say to you- I will have no words for you. This is something I have struggled with all my life. I'm been labeled a lot of things: shy, introverted, quiet, blah, insecure, rude, stuck up, snob, social awkward, (ok those are all the ones I care to admit); however in reality I am none of those things.
I spent a lot of my college years trying to figure myself out & hating who I was, well at least this aspect of myself. I would admire & envy those friends of mine who could just walk up to anyone & strike a conversation. It wasn't until I was far into my adult life that I began embracing the person in me God created. I picked up a book & begin reading about how if you unlike yourself & think you are not good enough, you are insulting God. You are saying He made a mistake when He created you... ouch. That hit home! All of this was originally why I ended up studying psychology in undergrad (they say every student goes into psych in hopes to figure themselves out- I think that's true) I took a more specific approach & began studying & anylyzing Personality Test. It wasn't until recently that I was reintroduced to an old friend Myers Briggs. This was the test of all test. Nailed me to a T, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Every line was as if I was being stalked & then written about.
ME, what am I? INFJ (introverted/intuitive/feeling/judging). Recently revisiting all my tests & chatting with a friend who shares my INFJ type. Only 1% of the population has this personality, the rarest of all. As my husbands so kindly said, "that totally explains why no one knows how to handle you" LOL. I don't connect easily with people & am often misunderstood. If you are someone that I have told you, "we just click, or I feel like we connect" woah, you are lucky! lol. ;) what I am really saying is I can let you in. I feel totally comfortable around you. You don't make me nervous & I don't have to premeditate conversations with you. I could literally name these people on my fingers, but I wouldn't do that. So one might think its people I have known forever or those who know my deepest darkest secrets- nope, not the case at all. My very best friend & I have only been apart of each others lives for 3 yrs but she gets me better than anyone. I wish I knew what it was or the formula to follow to make more of these connections, my life would be so much easier! In one aspect I hate this about me & in another aspect I love it. Though I don't have many words I have an intuition that is out of this world. I often joke that I am psychic. Here is the deal, I am able to carry on conversation with lots of people and most people won't ever know that 90% of the time I am crazy uncomfortable. If I have to meet new people, I have to prepare myself days in advance. freakish I know!
I was recently told, "LeAnn you might not feel the need to get to know people, but people want to know you." Which got me thinking (as we INFJ's do too much of!) I said, "I just wish when people met me I could give them a hand out explaining me so I wouldn't have to try to articulate it." Articulate is not a characteristic of an INFJ. Which is how I ended up writing this blog! Here it is a place I can explain myself through written words. So here it goes:
Hi! I'm LeAnn, an INFJ. You've probably never met anyone like me & you won't know what to think of me. I am very artistic, creative, gentle, caring, complex, & highly intuitive. i'm a perfectionist at its best. I am very private & hard to understand. I can feel what you are feeling, have genuine empathy. Everything in my life has an order or a system. Yet when it comes to personal things I am completely spontaneous. I have "gut" feelings about everything & regardless of what you say I will only trust my gut, my gut has only failed me once. I am as warm, as I am complex, often sending you mixed signals. One day you might think your my best friend & the next day you might think I hate you. In reality we are probably friends, you just don't get me yet... I am rarely at peace with myself, I always feel like I could be doing something more to better my world. I am constantly trying to achieve new things. I have very strong values & I don't waver. Naturally I am a nurturer, patient, devoted & protective. I have a stick to it attitude (once I've decided to do it.) I can be wishy washy with decisions. Once you have crossed over from friend to someone I connect with, nothing can break that bond. I will go to the grave for you, but I am very selective with who I let in; I have to know you'd do the same for me. I'm unaware & sometimes uncaring of how I come across to you. I can be cutting & sarcastic if you offend me. I struggle with holding grudges & its hard for me to forgive people. To me most things are personal. I have a really hard time communicating my feelings. I also am very clumsy- constantly bumping into things or tripping. Grace is not my middle name! I know I'm a lot to figure out, but if you stick it out & aren't afraid to talk to me & you can understand that my expressions don't match my feelings, I promise I'm one of coolest people you will know. I mean even Oprah & Jesus are/were INFJ's!
No comments:
Post a Comment