Well, in all of this & after 6 yrs of trying for karly I still really wanted to have another, I wanted Karly to have a sibling that she could be close to in age (It is something I never had. Though I had great sisters I never had a playmate & often felt like an only child) So it was important to me that she had a sibling. Since having Kar I have had multiple miscarriages, most of the time I don't talk about them. It just gets too hard-- people feel bad for me, they feel awkward, not knowing what to say, I have to answer a lot of questions, and well frankly, I am past the point of needing sympathy. I mean really, "How was your day?" Oh I had a miscarriage, how was yours?" LOL just doesn't work well into the conversation! No matter how many times I say, "Im ok", people don't believe me & bless them for that, they really do care. But for me it is just a part of something that happens in my life. I realize that if I had delivered every baby I miscarried we would probably have an entire baseball team by now- I have stopped counting.
ANYWAY, getting to the point... The past few weeks I have not been feeling well, tired, sickish, tired. made jokes about maybe I'm preg. Not thinking for a moment that I could actually be.
The past couple months I have done a lot of thinking & reflecting, do I really want another baby? And finally came to my answer... NO. So last night I told Jason. I realize now that I want to be preg & give birth more than I actually want to raise a child ( I know I am sick in the head, I actually liked the giving birth part!). Don't get me wrong, I love my child, but you see, she is next to perfect, and well we have this theory: child #1 is perfect, intelligent, well behaved, then comes #2 Still cute & sweet but not like that first one, then comes #3 & OMG! What the heck happened to our sweet children, and if there be a #4 you better just give up cause you are out numbered! We've decided we are perfectly happy & content with our little family.
So last night we had dinner with clients/friend, who happens to be an OB (Irony!) toward the end of the night I started having stomach pains, this was not normal cramps. This morning I got up & took Karly to dance and I felt horrible-dizzy, lightheaded, incredibly sick, but just kept going. I had a fun day planned with my girl. Then early this afternoon IT happened, miscarriage #210 (not really that many, but it feels like it at times!) Luckily, I have this down to an art form-it doesn't alarm me, I know how to handle it. Do I feel good? No, I hate what it does to me physically. However emotionally, I have never felt better. In 9 years I think I have finally found a place of peace & contentment in this journey. For the 1st time ever I have not felt remorse, guilt, shame; I actually felt happy. So I say all this to basically end my "journey," my journey is over- I have arrived in a sense. I will be here for those who need me cause God knows I know way more than anyone should about this topic and I know there are still lots of women out there hurting, but I can promise you this, at the end of your journey no matter the result, you will find rest!
So this song, I fell in love with awhile back. I guess it is suppose to be some love song but for me it was everything I felt towards the lives I've never known, yet have impacted my life in ways I cannot even explain... Music is how I function & this was part of my process in getting to where I am now. Hope it touches someone else out there, to hear it in a different light.
Just to be with you-- Archuletta
I've been alone so many nights now
And I've been waiting for the stars to fall
I keep holding out for what I don't know
To be with you just to be with you
So here I am staring at the moon tonight
Wondering how you look in this light
Maybe you're somewhere thinking about me too
To be with you there's nothing I wouldn't do
And I can't imagine two worlds spinning apart
Come together eventually
And when we finally meet I'll know it's right
I'll be at the end of my restless road
But this journey it was worth the fight
To be with you
Just to be holding you for the very first time
Never letting go
What I wouldn't give to feel that way
Oh to be with you
And I can't imagine two worlds spinning apart
Come together eventually
And when you're standing here in front of me
That's when I know that God does exist
'Cause He will have answered every single prayer
To be with you just to be with you
No comments:
Post a Comment