Sunday, August 29, 2010

Rainbows, fish, marshmallows & dirty little toes...



Rainbows, fish, marshmallows, dirty little toes, & priceless moments that is what my weekend consisted of. Breathtaking to be able to sit back and take it all in. For many of you reading this, you have no idea how hard these past few months have been for me. Many people know that Jason & I have an enormous struggle trying to get pregnant, took us nearly 6 years with Karly-miscarriages, hormone shots, too many dr to name & enough tears to fill an ocean- God finally gave us this very special little gift. I would go through every painful day all over again for the same outcome. (but I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to!)
Psalm 30:5 "The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter" (The Message)

Jason and I would like one more (me probably a little more than Jason, but who's counting!) Like all people who can't get preg, we don't even say the "b" word in our house (birth-control!) I had this moment where it hit me, we are in the same cycle, its been nearly 3 years and I am still not pregnant. Really God? really?! For many years now my heart has ached for adoption but before Karly, I had this desire to have "my own", yes it may sound selfish but I knew I had to. But this time was different. One day my heart just opened & as much as I had wanted to get pregnant with Karly, I wanted to adopt a child. I felt as though I could already picture this baby. After about a month of praying about it & researching I decided that it might be a good idea to talk to my husband about this! LOL. So as I begin to tell him that I thought we needed to talk I had something on my mind, he says "I already know, it's baby talk isn't it?" He knew exactly what I was saying without saying a word. We both agreed it was time. Only to find out a couple weeks later that this yearning in our heart was about to be squandered on; that not only can we not adopt but our file will not even be considered (thanks to Jason's past). I was angry, saddened, how could this be? We are a healthy, great family with so much love! I soon found myself at a far too familiar place of questioning God & questioning myself.

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be" --CS Lewis

Jason came home from work on Thurs & said lets cancel all our plans & take a weekend away. PURE BLISS rang through my head! I could not have said it better myself. I needed time to think & to get over myself. I threw clothes together, fought with a crabby toddler & in the car we went!

There is nothing I love more than solitude, when it comes just at the right time. I was able to sit back & watch; see all that God has given me. I somehow managed to fall deeper in love with this life God has blessed me with. A man that truly, deeply wants to be the greatest father & husband to me. A daughter who embraces life as God intended us to, never missing a chance to smell a flower or dance just cause it makes her happy. Most of the weekend I sat back & watched as my heavenly father reminded me of how much He loves me. I am reminded to cherish every moment we have, the small moments like watching your baby catch her 1st fish, or the surprise on my husbands face while catching a catfish, sitting together and roasting marshmallows- these are the days! I am so grateful for the time I had this weekend to love on my family & let God love on me. As we were driving out of town to come back home we saw a mama & baby deer with thrilled Karly to no end, and then Jason said hurry look, and there was a small but bright little rainbow in the sky. Some might say, oh its a coincidence but I knew that was placed there especially for me- God never ever breaks a promise!
Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you hope & a future."





No comments: