All the Feels, Our SPD Update.

>>>I am infamous for writing blog post but never actually publishing them. My blog has always been a form of therapy for me, so often times after I write I no longer feel the need to post it for the world to see. lol. I know, I'm a weirdo! However I recently posted about us deciding to homeschool Meredith and since then have gotten many messages about SPD; how did I get to a place of knowing that was best for her, what were the signs of SPD, what is helping her...etc. So I thought it might be helpful to share this post  that I wrote in the winter of last year:<<<

When we first found out we were at a routine check-up and explaining to our pediatrician how overwhelmed we felt parenting this child. I begin to explain how the simplest things were huge daily obstacles, brushing hair, teeth, smells, sounds, going to playgrounds, she was so rough, her hugs would literally hurt you, her high fives would sting my hands, while most parents are begging their toddlers to eat I was begging mine to stop, I had never heard her say, "I'm full". Our daily life was so difficult. I got to a point that I felt like I could not take her anywhere. I felt like I was tip toeing around my 2 yr old, not in a passive parenting kinda way, but as a way of survival. She immediately sent us for testing & within the hour it was clear that my daughter had severe SPD. Not even a month later she had qualified for 2 different forms of therapy. I don't think I will ever forget watching her hearing test, as her chin quivered & tears streaming down her face, "Please make the noises stop! It hurts!" That was my ah-ha! moment. This was so much more than a behavior issue, this was a life issue. Normal, daily life was not at all normal for her. As they tested 11 different areas of concern she tested severe in all but 2 categories. This was such a bittersweet day for us: relief that she was not just a "bad" kid, that there were ways to help her & heartbreak that her life would always be misunderstood.

She went through a year of speech & occupational therapy through our public school district, unfortunately it was not as helpful as we had hopped. Our district uses group therapy which is great if you struggle with the "norm" -- for example most SPD kids do not like to get messy so they spend the majority of their time with play dough, slime, finger painting... focusing on what most the children are struggling with. However our Meredith is not the "Norm" of SPD. Where most SPD kids are hyposenstive, she is hypersensitive & visa versa. So long story short they were not able to focus much time helping her with the issues she had. In a year worth of classes, going 3x's a week, only one of those weeks focused on her areas of need. So this year we opted to try something new. I have spent countless hours researching & studying to apply therapies at home. It is a lot of trial & error to see what helps. I am by no means in expert on SPD but I am an expert on my child. I by no means discredit those who spend their lives teaching these little hearts. It was just not the best option for us & even her therapist agreed.

We found that vestibular activities work best for her. Swimming is her vice ;) Swimming calms her nervous system & gives her body a sense of calm. During the summer she spends 90% of her day in the water & this winter she is swimming as much as possible. On really tough days I fill the bath tub & let her go to town! :) She has also started riding horses, which has been amazing. She finds such a sense of calm, the faster the horse goes the better! I am very thankful for a barn that doesn't hold her back. She tells us weekly that she is going to be a barrel racer & I have no doubt that she just might! 

She is learning to control her sound & learn to tolerate the sounds of her surroundings. I am grateful to the teachers in our kids church who love her & have helped her enjoy her class without sound blocking headphones.  We went to a very loud Christmas concert & I was so thrilled when she chose to take off her headphones, telling me, "I don't need these mom, I am good." And then she shared them with a little girl next to us who was covering her ears. Precious!

We did preschool at home this year & it is truly amazing how far she has come this year. From refusing to hold a crayon to begging to do more work. She is very strong in math, but really struggled with letters. She officially knows all the letter names & sounds, It was a HUGE win this year when she finally learned how to spell her name- all 8 letters! (I'll never give another child such a big name! The things you don't think about when naming your baby). She is writing letters &amp numbers; starting word families--for most preschoolers this is normal, but for Meredith this is a challenge.  Most of the information she knows & can verbally tell you but struggles to get in onto paper. Her mind is very unconventional. I am constantly trying to find new ways to teach her & encourage her. Meredith is very hard on herself & she loves others effortlessly but struggles to show herself that same love. She may struggle to write her numbers but can build a lego set for a 12 year old. She's one of the best problem solvers you will ever meet. We have days that we win & days that we are thankful for a new day.

Food is an area of concern with her type of SPD, she never knows the feeling of full. She has a constant driving desire to always have something in her mouth. She needs the chewing & biting to release the tensions in her nervous system. I should buy stock in bubble gum, cause we got through loads of it! We are constantly trying to teach her what it means to feel full by teaching her the size of her stomach. By giving her boundaries with her food choices & amounts of food. If you know Mere, you know she is a big girl. However her BMI is right where it should be for her height. This is an area that I am xtra sensitive to, as she was starting to say things like, "I have a fat belly" or when she meets someone she'll automatically say, "I'm a big 4"... Which seems cute at 4 years old, but the mama bear in me is not ok with what that is saying about her self-image . It is also an area that others feel the need to comment about. I have to bite my tongue often & remind myself that most people are very uneducated on SPD. If you see a little kid who looks chubby to you, you think they eat too much, let me help you out-- keep your comments to yourself. No one, no matter how old they are needs to be told they are chubby, chunky, fat, big.... Kids are people too,  they have feelings & are being shaped by what "adults" tell them. My new strategy is every time she makes a comment about how "big" she is, I rebuttal with a comment about how strong she is.

Speech, it something we are still working on. SPD & speech go hand in hand. I am told that if you have SPD, you most likely have a speech issue. Mere is what they referred to as a lazy talker. She does not care to stop & take the time to pronounce the word correctly. She will leave off endings or replace letter sounds with ones that are easier for her. However if tested she can pronounce them properly. I am not speech pathologist by any means but I spend many hours finding ways & tips to help her. She gets very frustrated when people do not understand her & more frustrated when she can't get the right sound. I find this to be one of the hardest issues, because she is a bigger girl, she could easily pass for a 6/7 year old but then she speaks she does not have the articulation of a 6/7 year old. I'll just say this; other kids & adults can be really mean. There was a little girl in karate that would literally not sit by her because of the way she talked. I have had to confront adults who have laughed at the way she pronounces things-- just be kind & teach your kids to be kind.

Life with SPD is good, it is hard, it is always changing, it is accepting that not everyone will understand her, in fact most won't, it is your heart exploding when you meet friends who love & accept her for who God created her to be, it is never letting her use it as an excuse, it is always finding ways to teach her, it is learning to have really thick skin, it is getting to experience a love like I never known, it is teaching her that she has purpose, that normal is boring, that little girls like her turn into women that change the world. 

Kindergarten is Coming

I have spent most of this year agonizing over what might seem like a silly decision to most.  I have lost sleep, shed tears, prayed til I had no more words left, stress ate, and didn't eat... all over the decision to homeschool or send my youngest to an actual traditional school. If we haven't met yet, you might want to know that I over analyze everything. While the majority of parents just pop their kids on the yellow bus & trust it's what is best; I seem to have missed that class on how to be chill & breezy with my child's education. I really do admire those breezy folks, its just not how I'm wired.

 There is so much more to it than meets the eye. See my mother is the KG teacher & has taught not only me but also every grandchild to date. So Meredith would be the only one who didn't get to have her as a teacher. My mom is probably one of the best primary teachers I have ever met & I'm not saying that just because she is my mom. More often than I can count I am asked "Are you Mrs Kellermann's daughter? She was my favorite teacher!..."

As many of you know Meredith is not your "traditional" child. Her sensory processing disorder & speech issues cause her much grief in this "norm crazed" world, but honestly is her greatest gift. Our education system doesn't allot much room for kids like her, they like a one size fits all. The thought of "normalizing" her makes me cringe, that is the last thing I want. I love exactly who she is. So after many conversations, evaluations, & sleepless nights we finally made the decision to homeschool her.

I have never been a believer in a one size fits all. Homeschool was the best decision we made for her sister but I promised myself when we started this journey that #1 we would never commit to more than 1 year (every year, even tho my oldest says she is never returning to a normal school ;) and #2 never treat each daughter the same. My two girls are polar opposites. The statement "it's not fair" doesn't get you far in our house. What works for one doesn't mean it will work for the other. At the end of the day when all options were weighed we knew what the right thing was for her & for our family.

So while I can remember like it was yesterday, dropping my oldest off at KG, leaving with the most gut wrenching feeling. I am overjoyed that this time around, there are no butterflies, no tears. Meredith is so excited to get started, she asks me everyday if she can start today?! I am over here loving that I am not sick with anxiety over my daughter leaving for full day KG. I know that we will get to work & learn "Meredith style". We are just enjoying life & all it brings. I know there will be challenges ahead this year, teaching with a large age gap is challenging, a 6th grader & a KG means A LOT of responsibility for me. But there is one thing I am confident in, it is what is best for our family in this stage of life.

To all my mama's in the drop off line with a lump in your throat-- I am praying for you. You have taught them well now let them fly!

To all our friends heading back to school, starting new schools-- you've got this & remember to smile, everyone needs a smile on the first day!

To the teachers who no matter how many years you teach, the butterflies visit you too-- thank you for loving those kiddos, for drying their tears, giving hugs, smiles, your patients, encouragement, you are a blessing to so many!

And to my fellow homeschool mama's, do your future self a favor this year-- stay any our pj's a little longer, drink an extra cup of coffee, give that child one more kiss, one extra hug, take one more field trip, listen a little closer, snuggle a little longer, read one more book together-- one day they might be in another teacher's classroom who doesn't love them the way you can, so take advantage of it, do all the extras you can now, so your future self can thank you!

Learning to Hygge.

Today was a different kinda day in our homeschool. Today in the middle of our work day my girls began playing together and what was meant to be a 5 min break turned into a 2+ hour break; and later we ended the day closing the books & saying let's just do it tomorrow!

I was busy doing other household things & the longer I listened the more giggles I heard echoing through the walls,  imaginative play was at its best. The empty space underneath a bunk bed was transformed into a Sweet-Treat Shop, bendable wax straws became signature candies, special orders, deliveries, & new customers by the dozen. It made my heart pause and savor precious moments. A simple moment that allowed my soul to breathe. It's in the deep breaths of life, the ordinary moments that feel nothing short of extraordinary, when I am reminded that they are still children without a care in the world, innocence intact, trust bountiful, grace & forgiveness effortless.

My goal this year for myself, & for our home is to make room for "CALM" to allow more space in all aspects of our lives: our physical home, our schedules, our hearts, our love. Creating space to free us to do the things that truly, deeply matter to us. To have time to drop off a cake to my sister just because I want her to try it, to make a meal for a friend who is sick, to take the girls to a college basketball game, to read a book, to actually write a thank-you note,  to watch classic chick flicks, to bake a recipe that reminds me of my Granny, to invite friends over for a game night, to try a new recipe,  to have a real conversation without feeling rushed...
or a word that would best describe my goal, more "Hygge" (hoo-gah) if you are Danish, or are a nerd like me & are obsessed with the ways of the Danes you will understand.

Everything about this moment was Hygge. I had laundry up to my ears, the house a disaster of breakfast still out on the counter, donation truck arriving to pick up disguarded items, the dogs chasing the cats, the cats chasing the chickens (somedays my house is more like a zoo than a home), I was trying to squeeze in one more workout, it is cold outside with left over piles of brown snow outside, white chalky dust covering my hardwood floors from the snow & salt, but together there was warmth, candles burning & a wood burning fire smoldering, meaningful interactions, love & laughter. A moment that I did not want to end. Yes we still had American history, Astronomy, Grammar & Bible to complete before we could call it a day, but for some reason deep inside me, I could not make them stop.

I am type A,  a rule follower, I love a schedule, organizing gets me excited, I live by my calendar & lists, so when I say that we begin school at 9 & have specific subjects to get done before the day ends, that is what we do. Flexibility is something I am constantly reminding myself of. The past few years I have struggled to learn the balance between work & play while homeschooling.  But today my heart said 'let them play'
                 -- in just a few years the hormones will be raging & there will be much bigger problems then the Sweet shop running out of sweets, or Meredith putting her arm through the wrong hole of the dress her character was wearing. There may come a day when my girls are not best friends. There will be a day when boyfriends come before their sister & the only dress up they will be playing will be that of prom dresses with lofty price tags  & screams of "YOU STOLE THAT FROM MY CLOSET!" There may be a day in the near future when they aren't together 24/7, and they won't have as many opportunities for play.

As a little sister myself, I can tell you that I don't remember much of what I learned from school, I am constantly reteaching myself concepts that I learned in school but didn't retain (thank God for google!) but I do remember, like it was yesterday all the memories I have growing up with sisters...

                  --all the nights I spent babysitting with my sister, the freezing cold car rides, singing all the way home "Can't no body... ", the $5 I got for helping her babysit, I remember our trips to Target,  that she'd jump the curb everyday turning into school to drop me off & we'd laugh about it every single time as if it didn't just happen the day before, my first sleepover at my sisters new house after she had gotten married, riding in the hatch of a CRX all the way to FL (apparently there were not seat belt laws like there are today) lol., my sister's water breaking in McDonalds & me thinking I was going to have to deliver a baby at 13yrs old, seeing my first niece for the very first time knowing that our hearts would be forever woven together, or the time we bought the family Christmas tree & tied it to the roof of the car not realizing we tied the doors shut too! LOLLLL! I remember her letting me sneak in her bed cause I hated sleeping alone (oh & sorry for that time I pee'd your bed!).  The firework stand & late night jumps on the trampoline. I could go on for hours, I have so many incredible memories with my sisters.

I try to remind myself often that I am not raising children, I am raising adults. And at the end of the day I really don't care if they know how many moons Saturn has or the name of the oldest naval vessel still afloat today... (by the way I totally had to look both of those up to teach. lol) what I care about is their hearts, their souls, I want them to look back at their childhood with happy memories. I know today's world is so focused on being the best, the top, the smartest, the push, the drive to always be better than the next- we now have preschoolers tutoring, oh & if you didn't know preschool now starts at 2 yr old?! Training kids in sports as if every single child will become a professional athlete or Olympian, not to mention the amount of money being poured out for all these activities & for what? (I'm guilty of this too!)  But maybe that is part of the problem, kids aren't playing enough (and Im not talking about sports). I have read every article on academia & recess time that I can get my hands on. All I know is as a mother having one child who is labeled by our education system as academically "gifted" & one that is labeled "special school district" who struggles with traditional learning, here is what I know to be true, neither child struggles or excels while playing. While playing they are all on equal fields, they are solving problems, working together, making goals, learning to resolve conflict all the while laughing & having fun. No one feeling superior or inferior, they're just kids, being kids. They have no labels, no test, no number or measure of their intelligence. They are happy. And I don't know about you but I sure do learn better when I am happy then when I am being tested.

SO for all you homeschool moms take a break & let them play, they won't remember how to solve the quadratic equation when they are 30 anyways. For all the teachers out there take an extra recess, breathe in the fresh air & give yourself a pat on the back cause you deserve it!

Here's to playing more, stressing less & filling our souls with happy memories!

Highlight Rolls.

I read this quote this morning another friend had posted & it resonated so deeply in my heart. These simple words hold so much truth.  Sometimes we only see the highlights of people, or we meet someone when they have reached the top of their mountain. We judge their life but what we see in the moment on top of the mountain, but we forget to ask about the climb.

For me personally, if you meet me in this season of life, or only know me through the Insta world, I understand how it could seem like we have it all together, it might look like we have "arrived". In the eyes of the world I guess some might say, we have "it made". But if you really know us & have known us for a long time, you know we had some ginormous mountains to climb to get here. From years learning how to make a blended family work,  learning of how two people with such polar opposite personalities could possibly live peacefully with each other,  years of infertility, miscarriages & specialists. Almost loosing our home & everything we owned. Wondering how we would have enough gas to pick up our daughter from school. Having to ask friends & family for money for groceries, one of the most humbling experiences of our lives. There are many struggles we have had along they way that I could share with you, but I think you get the picture. We have fought & fought hard to get to where we are today. That is not to say that today is perfect, today comes with new set of struggles as we enter a new season of dealing with the health of our own parents, helping our youngest manage through life with SPD, and helping our 10 year old juggle new emotions, hormone shifts & finding her passions in life. I have learned that no matter the struggle, we will find joy in the journey & be stronger for it. I have learned to embarace  the pain. The struggles in the climb make the mountain view that much more glorious!

So if you look at me or someone else & you only see the highlight roll, I urge you to look deeper to ask questions, to not judge but rejoice with them.

How we got here...

Yes, I love my step daughter & we have a great relationship, I love the unique bond that we share-She's been with me in my marriage since day one. We are really good at ganging up on Dad together ;) She gives awesome advise, helps keep me in style. She understands my kids & loves them like her own, cause they are her sisters after all! She knows the craziness of our extended families, all the holiday traditions, family board meetings.... It's like having a friend who knows all your secrets, inside jokes & still loves you. But she will be one of the first to tell you it was not always this way. There were many days when she thought I was the wicked witch & I thought she was the bride of chuckie- just kidding!! {Needed a little humor ;) } But I did think I had made a mistake by marrying someone with a child. If you are a step parent out there, hats off to you! It is one of the hardest jobs but I can tell you, be patient & keep loving them the best way you know how. One day it will pay off!

When Jason & I went through pre marital counseling, we had to take a stack of personality test. I'll never forget the pastor sat across from us & said, "Well... you will either be the perfect balance for each other or you will kill each other!" LOL! He was right! I was a 1, he was a 10 on everything! I have to tell you the first 5 years of our marriage, I am pretty sure we both wanted to kill each other. We both thought we had made the biggest mistake of our lives. There was no honeymoon phase. Through the years we have learned to love & appreciate each others differences, we have learned to balance each other. I am the piglet, to jason's tigger like style. As the saying goes, "You keep me safe, I'll keep you wild." That sums up our relationship. And I can honestly say now, that he is my very best friend, and there is no one in this world better suited for me.

I was recently accused of being "too proud" of my kids. In the moment that statement really hurt my feelings but after processing it I decided, if there is anything in life I want to be accused of, I'll take that one! I hope that my kids think that! I can only speak from my perspective but as a women who never thought she would ever have the opportunity to become a MOM, you better believe it is my favorite job. We went through so much & no one will never know, all the tears & prayers shed for each of my children. And even still as we have tried for #3, it is not easy. I have always felt like I would have 3. We are still wanting & trying every month for that number of completion & I have to tell you no matter how many months pass it doesn't get easier, you get stronger. If #3 never happens for us, I am perfectly content with that. Because yes, I love being a mom, I am unapologetically proud of my girls, simply because I can call them mine. Simply because they call me MOM. I have a conversation often with our 10 year old that goes like this " Just do your best, all you can be is 100 % Karly & no one else can be her. I don't care what part you get, if you play the entire song wrong, if you don't make ever touch the ball, or if you fail on a test, I am proud of you & will love you always because you are mine!"

The material things we have now are nice but I can tell you they mean very little to us. Neither Jason or I came from money. We came from hard working parents doing everything they could to provide the best for their families. My husband has had to work his tail off, from over coming addictions, a criminal record, a really ugly past, to get to where he is today. He continues to put in countless hours & also teach others to do what he is doing.  He did not graduate from college & walk into a cooshie job, not many people would give someone with his background a chance, so he had to build himself & his business on his own.

I say all this for one reason, when you look at my feed or meet someone & think they are living the fairytale, and think their life is fake, remember there is a more than meets the eye. Their mountain may be huge, they may be living large & their view is breathtaking, but most likely so was that mountain they had to climb. So rejoice with them, be happy for them, grab hands & walk with them on their journey so that you too can enjoy the view.

As lyrics from one of my favorite songs says:

",,,You bring me up here on this mountain

For me to rest and learn and grow

I see the truth up on the mountain And I carry it to the world far belowSo as I go down to the valleyKnowing that You will go with meThis is my prayer, LordHelp me to remember what You've shown meUp on the mountain..."

Is Santa Real?

Is Santa real?
Where does Santa live?
How does he get to every single person's house in one night?
How old is Santa?
Does Santa like nuts in his cookies?
Why does every mall Santa look different?

These are a handful of the questions I have answered through the years a long with many more & I am sure there are more to come since my youngest is only 4.

About a month ago Jason & I started talking about when was the right time to tell Karly about the in's & out's of Santa. Yes, in this family, we believe! Christmas is a HUGE event, we look forward to all year. I have the greatest honor being raised in a family whose holiday traditions could warm any grinch heart. From Christmas Eve sleepovers & marshmallow fights to cranberry tea, appetizer night, and maw maw's treasure hunt. We truly believe you are only a child once and it should hold as much magic as possible.

Karly is almost 10-- ahhh!! double digits are so close! She has never really pressed me on questioned Santa. Kids have told her he isn't real but she would always tell me, "Mom, I bet they think that because they are on the naughty list!" lol.  And how could I argue with such great deductive reasoning?! As she has gotten older it has been much harder to keep the secret. After many conversations, Jason & I both knew it was time. Most of her extracurriculars are with older kids & it has always been our goal to tell her in a way that would be special, not let some little punk crush her heart; there will be enough opportunities for that when she is much older ;). We believe that unveiling this secret didn't have to be traumatizing or heart breaking but could be a lesson of something much greater. We planned for the day & made a big event out of it. Like a rite of passage. Meredith spent the day with Maw Maw & so we should have a "Karly day". When she woke that morning we presented her with this letter: (thanks to Pinterest I was able to find some letters & tweak them to make them fit for our family)

Dear Karly,

We’ve been waiting for this day to come. We have talked & wondered when the right time would be to let you in on a very special secret. The biggest secret you may ever have to keep! Dad & I have watched you grow so much this year, we see you growing into such a beautiful girl. We believe that you are ready for this very very special secret.

Through the years you have asked if Santa is real. Some kids may have told you he is not, or that it is just your parents. We know that you have wanted to know the real answer to this question for a really long time. The truth is no, your Dad & I are not Santa. Yes, Santa does exist! Just not as you have thought. 

We are the ones who fills your stocking, shop for gifts, wrap your presents placed underneath the tree on Christmas Morning, the same way our parents did for us and their parents did for them. And I imagine you will do for your children some day. You will love seeing the joy on their faces & the excitement of Christmas.

But this could never make any one of us Santa. Santa is the Magic of Christmas, it is lots and lots of people who keep the Spirit of Christmas alive. The spirit of Christmas lives in our hearts- not at the North Pole. It is love and magic and the spirit of giving to others.  What it does is simple but so powerful. Believing in Santa teaches children how to believe in something they cannot see. One of the most important lessons in life. 

Throughout your life you will need this lesson to believe in yourself, in your friends, in your talents, in your family, but most of all to believe in God. You will need to be able to believe in things you cannot measure or hold in your hand, like love, faith, joy, peace.

Now you know how the man in the red suit gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve, he has a lot of help from people whose hearts are filled with joy, and want to share this joy with others. With full hearts, people like, Mommy & Daddy do a job that otherwise would be impossible.

So no we are not Santa, no one person could do what Santa does. The spirit of Christmas is kept alive by those whom hearts are filled with love and magic, hope and happiness. It is having faith to believe in something we cannot see. Just like how we must have faith to believe in Jesus. Until we get to heaven we will never be able to see Jesus but we know that He lives with us everyday. Jesus wants us to spread His love & joy to those around us, He wants us to be watchful for those in need. He wants us to think of others first. Just like Santa does on Christmas.

We are on his team, and now you are too!

Now that you are on his team, you have a very important job! It is your job to keep the Spirit of Christmas  alive for others who do not yet know the secret. You must never tell a friend, cousin or sister of this secret! Your job now is to listen closely to those around you mention things they could use or notice things that other people around you need. And when you do, you now get to be Santa to someone else! You will soon understand that is really is more fun to give than to receive! We want you to be watching & listening this season & when you hear someone say they need something, make note of it. And then talk to Mom & Dad so we can help you purchase the item, then you will buy, wrap & leave gifts for someone, signed Santa. They will never know it was you, you must not ever tell them. That is the magic of Santa, the spirit of Christmas, loving & sharing joy with others!

So you have a very big job this year, one that we are trusting you with. Your sister still has many years before she is ready to know this Christmas secret. So on Thanksgiving it is now your turn to hide, create & play one of the best games of Christmas. It is now your turn to plan, hide, create actives for Dorothy. You are such a great teacher I know that you will do a great job!

Now today, it’s time for us to get ready & head out to shop for the arrival of Dorothy!

Xoxo,

Mom & Dad

She sat reading intently hanging on to every last word. And we were relieved to hear that she was not upset or sad, but ready to go shop! We spent the morning hitting Starbucks (cause that is what big girls do!) and making mischievous plans for our little elf. 

She was so excited to be in on the secret, that our elf had to come a day early...

After a couple nights of being Santa's helper, I was putting her to bed & she said, "Mom thanks for letting me be Dorothy (our elf).I really love doing it for Meredith" It was one of the sweetest moments I have had as a parent. One of those moments when you feel like maybe you aren't so shabby after all. lol. Maybe I am doing something right! I am amazed at how much love & thought she puts into her new role. I have no doubt that she was ready to give up this little piece of her childhood, her heart has been growing, and although I have moments that I wish I could sit her under the tree & watch the magic in her twinkling face. My heart loves seeing her pour that same magic into someone else. It's the bittersweet moment of knowing my role as a parent , isn't to keep them my little children, but to raise amazing adults. For us this was a big event, and I am sure everyone has their own way of sharing this secret, so no matter how this plays out in your family, we wish you the merriest, happiest Christmas! 

(PS: this mama also loves not having to remembering to move the elf  any more;)

What's for Dinner?

Life is crazy & chaotic these days. We have hit that phase  in life where we are running  EVERY. SINGLE. night; piano, basketball 3 nights a week, karate, swimming, art lessons, American Heritage Girls, theater... and on top of that my husband is gone every night to take care of his parents.
Most nights I am lucky if I remember to feed my kids.
Literally!

I forgot dinner last Wednesday, we were leaving art lessons driving to basketball and Karly says, "Mom, where is dinner?!"  << Whoops! >>  I am pretty sure my kids will never let me live that down.

With no time to run through the drive thru...What to do?...

I started digging in my purse, cause let's be honest every mom knows where to find a leftover snack! I offered a baggie of crushed goldfish and graciously reminded them that some kids in the world are starving, they can survive going without one meal. No one took me up on my goldfish offer. So clearly they were not starving! LOL! (If you ever think I have this parenting thing down, let this be your reminder, I do not! ;)

Tonight we got to sit down as a family & eat dinner. I know this sounds like a ridiculously simple thing, but these days it is incredibly rare. I know that it is just the season of life we are in, but it felt SOO comforting to all be together sharing a healthy homemade meal.

I pulled this recipe off Pinterest  (recipe here) just because I had all the ingredients, but it was a winner! Everyone came back for seconds, even my little picky pants!

**And to you Moms (or Dads) out there, I just want to say, whether you are feeding your child snacks from the bottom of the bag or healthy homemade dinners, you are killing it! Give yourself grace. Laugh at the silly moments and trust me, they will live! Personally, I think my kids enjoyed seeing me scramble & now they forever have a great story to tell, about the time mom forgot to feed them ;) Every kids need a good story to tell! **

Enjoy!

Leaving a Legacy

I'll never forget the first time I met this man, he was tall, strong, built like a linebacker. He had a presence about him that was both intimidating & reassuring. I was walking in for my first "real" grown up interview. I had just moved back home for college, did not want to live at home and was desperate for money. My sister knew of a job opening with a custom home builder, so I made the phone call & got an interview. Now you might think I have a degree in interior design, marketing, sales, architecture or engineering.... nope! I was a psych major. I knew nothing about homes.
This stately white haired man sat across from me, asked me 3 questions:
Do you have kids?
How old are you?
Why should I hire you?
...and said ,"ok I'll have someone call you." It was the easiest interview I have ever had to date. Little did I know that a year later that man would become my father in law.

Although he has never told me I think he loved popping in my office to interrogate me. At the beginning it made me so incredibly nervous. This man who had built a lucrative business was sitting at my desk asking me questions that he had to know the answers to; that I, the new sales assistant, had no clue how to answer! My palms would sweat, my heart would race, I would feel like a babbling idiot, pretty sure I had sweaty pit stains, more than I care to admit. Then one morning he popped in & sat himself back in my chair and begin asking me questions of a more personal content and that was when I realized his interrogation had nothing to do with "work" but had everything to do with getting to know me. He got up from my desk & pointed at me as he walked out the office and said "you're alright kid!" And we began this little banter every morning of me getting him coffee & his asking "did you touch the rim?" (He did not want anyone touching the part he drank from. lol.) It was a series of questions & joking back & forth. If you know him, you know he loves watching people squirm.

As time went on I had babies, ended up leaving that sales assistant position to be a stay at home mom. Watching him with my babies was a sight to see. He was so good at knowing just what they needed. It was like he could just read their little minds. He could interpret each little coo & goo.

This past Father's Day we went to their home for dinner. While Jason played in the yard with the girls he sat across from me & very seriously, so intensely he said " LeAnn, I gotta tell you I think what you are doing with those girls is just great. The things your teaching them, makes me proud. Don't ever stop teaching them." If you know this man you know he is not a giver of warm loving words. That moment meant so much to me. Because he is a man of few affirmations I understood the weight of these words.

Little did I know that 2 weeks later he would be admitted to the hospital for the next 6 months. That his body would be racked with stage 4 cancer in his brain, bones, & lungs, he would suffer strokes, ecoli, bed sores that would leave him screaming in pain, phone calls that he may not make it through the night, and that my husband would now spend every evening/ night in the hospital with him because he needed 24/7 care.
Everyday. every hour. every breath mattered.

When someone you love is suffering it is never easy to watch. But seeing this strong ox of a man now in tears of pain, sunken in cheeks, no muscle to show for, unable to move his arms or legs,  unable to make a complete sentence--your heart completely shatters.

Bill, I could tell you this now but I am not sure that you would remember it or even fully understand. I know there were times that you were not the best father, loosing your own father at the age of 12. You never had an example of what a father should be, you were an absent father while trying to build a business, I know there were times that business decisions tore your family apart, times when family dinners felt more like business meetings. But I have had a front row seat to this stage of your life and I assure you, you are loved. I have watched your kids push themselves to the brink of exhaustion, fight with everything in them to get you the very best care imaginable. Your grandkids surround you with hugs, tears, pictures, ice-cream. Family fly in town to sit by your side. You may have worked your entire life to build a business but somewhere along the way you managed to also built a family that loves you more than you will ever know! I am so proud to call you my family.

So in true Bill fashion, let me just say " you aren't too shabby yourself, Boss!" ---xoxo.

*I wrote this post over a year and a half ago & I never hit publish. This man continued to fight hard, he had so many ups & downs. Days where he was full of life and days we all wondered if he would see tomorrow. Tonight I got "the call" the one you never want to get. But Boss it was time. You fought so long & so hard. I almost couldn't believe it was true cause you beat the odds so many times before! You are the strongest, most stubborn man & I believe you are up in heaven now telling Jesus how the heavenly homes should be built, talking politics & fussing with Grandma Pearl ;) As sad as it is to know that when we pop into visit I won't hear ya say, "Hey look who it is!, your chair will be empty, & no one will be there to feed my kids loads of ice-cream; but I am so happy you are pain free, your body healed, you are HOME.