Day 2-4 What My Kids Should know about Me...

Day 2: Three Legitimate Fears

1- Failure. I hate to fail at anything. If I set my mind to it, no doubt it will happen. It can be a great motivator if channelled correctly, but can also be an inhibitor. Fear of failing has often kept me from stepping out and trying new things. I have been knows to quit before I have a chance to fail. Failure to me is one of the worst feelings a human can experience. I'll never forget the first time I got a "D" on a paper in college (that was the closest I ever came to an F, and in my mind if it wasn't an A it was an F). I never learned how to give myself grace. I have had to learn as I have gotten older that not everything had to be perfect and it is ok to fail, it builds character and often that is when you learn the most. There is perfection in failure. I'm still learning this one.

2- Not being ENOUGH. I struggle with fear of not being enough to/for those whom I love. The fear of not being good enough: a good enough mom, a good enough wife. To be all I can be to my family. Fear of leaving people wanting for more, more than I can give. Am I kind enough, loving enough, patient enough, pretty enough, am I enough…? This is my quiet reminder that I am always in need of a Savior without Him, only with His help can I be enough.

3- I fear that one day you will grow & turn away from your faith. That you may choose not to love Jesus and be all you were designed to be. I pray you grow to understand that Christianity is not a crutch or a name to hide behind. That people may make fun of you, or believe differently than you and that is ok, don't hate them, just show them God's love. There is right & wrong. The bible is you instructions and that little quiet voice inside you will never steer you wrong. Love really is the most important thing, it is the only thing that changes hearts.

Day 3: My relationship with your Dad

Your dad is the most amazing man I know. He loves us so much! We have been through a lot together, some really tough times but even more happy times. He is my best friend. I can tell him anything. I tell him the things I am most happy about the things I am ashamed of. We are proof that you can go through the tough stuff and still come out on top. Relationships take two people being selfless.

We are a very unlikely match, many of your Dad's friends did not think we were a good match. But your Dad & I knew on our first date that we would be together forever. We are night & day, complete opposites. Dad is the much more outgoing, free spirit, and I am the more introvert, organized, everything planned out… together we are perfect! We have learned that we need each others differences, his strengths are my weaknesses and visa versa.

I love his dark black hair & that he still opens doors for me.

He is a gentleman.

He leads this home the way God intended, and I love that I can rest in that.

He loves you girls so much! I love how just the mention of your names melts his heart. His excitement to play with you when he gets home from work. The twinkle in his eyes when you draw him a picture or give him a hug just because. The way he carries you to bed after you've fallen asleep is breath taking. He will stop doing whatever he's doing to play with you. I hope that you always know that your Daddy adores you.

He is one really cool guy and I hope & pray that you choose a husband just like him.

Day 4: 10 things I would tell my 16 year old self

1. Don't sweat it, you are much cooler than you think.

2. High school boys aren't worth crying over. You will meet the man of your dreams.

3. Relax

4. Choose your friends wisely. Some of them will be life long friendships

5. You don't have to study so much, it won't matter being a SAHM

6. The 'cool kids' become total losers later in life

7. Figure out how to get involved in Apple

8. Don't waste your $ on college, do what you love

9. Don't sell yourself short

10. None of it will matter in 10 years

Things My Kids Should Know...

Growing up my mom use to always say that time goes faster & faster the older you get. I did not believe her at all.

I mean have you ever sat through a geography class?!

At 16 life could not move fast enough, and now I cannot make it go slow enough. Tonight I sat in my recliner feeding my 4 month old wondering where the last 4 month have gone?! I try to savor every moment but they still go too fast. I sat with her for hours trying to take mental pictures, each chubby roll around her little wrist, the little fuzzes between her toes, how she furrows her brows while she's eating, her fat little fingers and skinny little feet, the depth of joy in those soon to be green eyes (or so I'm hoping), the way she always holds on to the neckline of my shirt…

 One day these little moments will be hard for me to remember.

All this thinking reminded me of a blog I once read that a mom wrote for her children "30 Things my kids should know about me" http://www.babymakingmachine.com/2012/11/30-things-my-kids-should-know-about-me.html

I love this. I want to be an open book to my children, I want them to learn from my mistakes, I want them to know how much I treasure them. Now, I'll be honest I am pressed for time these days between moving & holidays & birthdays so I'm not going to commit to completing it in 30 days but I will complete it eventually :)

Day 1: 20 Random Facts about MOM
1- I never liked sweets until I had babies, also why I will never again be a size 2!
2- I must always wear matching socks
3- I knew I was going to marry your dad on our 1st date (the one that he says wasn't a date ;)
4- I love to swing, always have, always will!
5- Art & creating things is my outlet, how I express myself
6- I am horrible with words especially if I am put on the spot
7- I am very good at the hula hoop & have won hula contests
8- I never lose at the game "Guess Who"
9- Being organized gives me peace & calmness
10- I hate cuss words, I think it shows a lack of intelligence
11- I love making lists
12- Singing is one of my best talents, but I enjoy it the least
13- I was cut from my soccer team in high school because of worts on my foot. eww ;)
14- I wish I would have never stopped playing the piano
15- I do not like anything scary.
16- I love camping (I taught your Dad how to camp)
17- I LOVE holidays & totally go overboard!
18- Psalms 139 is my all time favorite passage in the bible
19- I have a horrible memory, hints why I take so many photos
20- I have never had braces & never had a cavity until I was 26. I'm praying you get my teeth!

Good bye 3956, Meet 3951

Today I began packing up all of my house decor, the pictures, the knick knacks, the photos.. the little things that make a house a home. I looked around my kitchen with bare walls and my eyes began to swell with tears. We have spent 12 years in this home. I still remember coming to the property where the house would be built before Jason & I were even dating, watching him pull a tree stump out of the yard, thinking 'I really like this guy', never dreaming that in less than a year I would have dated, married & moved into this house with him.

 It seems like just yesterday, we got home late from our honeymoon, we slept on our box springs with only sheets on the bed, looking up at the stark white walls I wondered if this place would ever feel like home to me.

Or, our first huge argument where I decided to take my wedding ring off & throw it at him (Bad idea!) it hit my bed post & diamonds started flying. In a matter of seconds we were on our hands & knees searching the carpet for the pieces to my ring.

Or, the day we were setting the pool, our enormous pool was hanging in mid-air over our house and I came running out, through the mud, in sweats & rain boots, with tears flooding my face trying to get out the words "I'M PREGNANT!!!"

Bringing both my babies home to this house, having more celebrations than I can count, many long talks on the couch, sleepovers with best friends, youth group girls weekends, training for my marathon, countless prayers, flowers planted, first snowman's built... tears & so many laughs--SO many memories! It's the only home Jason & I have ever known. The place that 12 years ago did not feel like 'mine' is now the place I leave feeling bittersweet. I love this home. I have grown from a young girl into a wife and mother in this home.

3956 You have been so good to us.

Bittersweet.

On one hand it saddens me to say good bye to this place I have called home for the past 12 years, and on the other hand I am ecstatic to build a new home. We have had SO many incredible memories in our home, however, we have also had a lot of bad memories, our bathroom reminds me of all the attempted fails of pregnancy, the family arguments that we've had in our basement, times of struggle wondering if we would make it, an empty bedroom where my stepdaughter once lived… not every memory is a good memory.

I look forward to building a new home to raise my family in. A home where their memories will reside. We know this will be our forever home. Both of the girls are so young that they will have very few memories of the house we live in now. I look forward to building a home full of new memories, learning to ride bikes, painting their room awful colors when they decided they don't like Mom's decor anymore, playing on the backyard, walks to the park, sleep overs, cookie bakes, dates, sister arguments, sister cries, sister laughs, music blaring, getting ready for dances… I look forward to all the memories to be made.

I am ready for a new beginning, new memories. a fresh start.  A place to raise my babies & fall more in love with their father. A home full of love & laughter!

 3951 I cannot wait to see what you have in store for us!

Thankful they call me mama.

Every year around this time I start doing a list of all the things I've thankful for. It started pretty simple and I didn't think much of it, but year after year I realized that I really enjoyed having to make myself stop & be grateful for something, anything. Something I think we all need to do more often! On day #1 I mentioned how I was thankful for my 2 girls & being their mom, but that just doesn't cut it.

I believe that every child is a gift from God. Both of my girls came at very critical times & with an incredible story.

Karly was my miracle. Most of you know my struggle to get pregnant & our journey to have a baby. When she came there was no doubt that God was teaching me a lesson... He is in control, not me, or doctors-- He alone! With that He gave me a child with an enormous LOVE of life. My Karly Love is never bored, loves everyone, will never leave without a hug, her love of life is contagious. She can make anything fun & reminds me daily to 'lighten up' and to just love life. My relationship with her is very unique; we have very different personalities, which any mom knows that can have its challenges, but so often I feel like she is teaching me way more than I'll ever teach her.
She is my miracle. I know that God has great things in-store for this child and I cannot wait to see what they are!

Then there is my baby Meredith. Precious baby, given to me at a very burdensome time in my life. I was going through one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. I felt like my world was falling apart, everything I once knew was shaking around me. Maybe one day I will share more about that time, as for now I'm still not ready. I had lost all faith in people, friends, family, even God,  and in the midst of total chaos in my life God gave me JOY. Meredith Joy, to remind me that He is always there and he knows just what we need when we need it. At the time a baby did not seem like the best answer, and honestly it took me 7 months to find joy in being pregnant, not that I didn't want to have another baby but the timing was horrible (according to my plans). And Joy is exactly what she is-- she is a funny little  baby, she constantly makes me laugh. At a time in my life when I was plastering on a fake smile, God gave me pure Joy. 

I didn't know when naming my girls that their names would be so descriptive of who they are. Each of my babies have taught me so much about myself and who God has created me to be. I am so grateful to be their mama. I really am the lucky one. 

Dance Moms. My Nightmare.

For months, nearly over a year, my 5 year old has been begging to take hip hop classes. She has been totally obsessed, she finds videos & teaches herself the dances. So after all the begging I broke down & started searching for a class, this was not an easy task: #1) we were a little late for sign ups & #2) I know NOTHING about dance! I called about 100 places (or so it felt). I finally found a place that had a great reputation & I have knew friends that used to dance there. Finally signed up & Karly was out of her mind excited! For a week it was all I heard about, the countdown was on!

Last night was our 1st class and I have one word to sum it up: NIGHTMARE!!!! I swear I walked in & entered the world of Dance Mom's. The teacher was yelling at the girls, 2 of the girls were crying hysterically by the end of class, Karly held it together until she walked out of class and then came the water works "Mommy I'm never doing that again!" I got out of the place as quick as I could, feeling horrible, that it was somehow my fault. Did I not ask enough questions, should I have pulled her out of the class when I saw she wasn't having fun, will she ever try hip hop again, will she ever dance again in her life, if she doesn't get in now will she ever make it...ok so maybe my thoughts started getting the best of me. Leave it to my husband to always put it in perspective, "LeAnn, so what if she doesn't want to take an organized class again, she can teach herself anyway."

What has happened to recreational sports?! Since when do kids have to decided at 2 years old what sports they want to play for the rest of their lives?! And why are parents becoming Nazi's about their kids sports?! It makes me sick! Kids need to be able to just be kids, do things they love, for fun, not be yelled at by their instructors or parents. I sat last night & watched a little girl try her best to learn a routine and be yelled at & talked down to because she could not "move fast enough" -- I just wanted to go hug this poor girl & tell her she was beautiful & good enough! It was absolutely heartbreaking. But it also gave me a reality check, I too can get caught up in our societies way of thinking, that I have to get her involved in things now or she won't be able to catch up when she is older, or feeling like I have to constantly be trying to find the next best thing for her. This experience was horrible, but it made me realize that I too need to slow down as a Mom. She does not need to be involved in something every night of the week. I want my daughter to try new things I want her to know its ok to fail, its ok to not be the best at everything, but most of all I want her to know that she is loved no matter what.

After a long talk with her, it doesn't look like we will be taking any more dance classes for awhile (and that is ok!). It makes me sad that a horrible teacher has put a damper on my daughters love for dance, but it also reminded me that though she seems so big & independent she still needs so much protection. I often take for granted all the incredible teachers in her life, I never have to worry about her teachers speaking down to her or belittling her. I am so thankful for the people in my daughters life consistently breathing life into her & seeing all her awesomeness! Lesson learned.

This is what I know...

I know what it means to lose faith

I know what it means to be betrayed by one closest to you

I know what it feels like to be judged

I know that pain resides in patience

I know the fear of not knowing where your next check is coming from

I know what it means to only shop resale

I know what it feels like to question every decision

I know it can take years to build trust for it all to be destroyed in seconds

I know healing

I know I have faith

I know restoration is a process

I know who my real friends are

I know what unconditional love is

I know that material items mean nothing to me

I know that there is not always tomorrow

I know I will never have someone clean my house for me

I know I will never carry expensive purses or have expensive clothes

I know that my house may not be the cleanliest but it is one of the happiest

I know to not take anything for granted

I know if you think it can't happen to you, it will

I know I will cherish each day

I know who I am in Christ

I know that Target, Sonic & my best friend can cure anything

I know true happiness

I know the humility of asking for help

I know what faithfulness is

I know what my insecurities are

I know that seeing my daughter smile after school is one of my favorite moments everyday

I know middle of the night feedings are moments I'll never get back

I know hearing my husband put our daughter to bed is priceless

I know that in my husbands arms is my place of serenity

I know what it feels like to not fit in

I know at the end of everyday I am so thankful for the life I've been given. Not because I have lots of money- I don't. Not because I have the perfect children- I don't (but they are close ;). Not because I have the perfect marriage- I don't. Not because I have it all together_-I definitely don't! But because I love the journey God has chosen for me. Everyday may not be easy but everyday I become stronger.

I love my MILKIES!

OK so every nursing new mom need to run out & buy MILKIES!

While I was pregnant I came across these & now it is my new best friend . I was super skeptical (and thought it was a little pricy for a piece of plastic) but I had such a hard time breastfeeding my first child that I was willing to try anything this time around- I was determined to breastfeed this little one.  Let me just tell you how cool this is- while you are feeding on one side you put the "milkie" in the other side & it catches all the "leakage". The first time I used it I was not expecting anything actually planning in my mind to return it... but I went on & gave it a try, pulled it off & OMG! The thing was almost full. In two days I was able to freeze a tray of breastmilk from my "leakage". Milk that would have been absorbed in clothing & pads can now be saved for my baby to eat. GENIUS, I tell ya! Any nursing mom knows how many hours & hard work goes into breastfeeding, any way I can save I'm all for it!

My collection from day #1
 sorry if this grosses some of you out. I am just beyond amazed but this little invention.

PS: I got mine from cotton babies (around $30) or you can order from their website https://www.mymilkies.com