There Is No Plan B.

My man,

In our world of being Mom & Dad it is refreshing to take a moment to realize that you are my husband & I am your wife.

I know so many days pass & it sometimes can feel like we are each playing our rolls of Mom & Dad. Taking care of children, running car pool, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry,  paying the bills, the appointments, the meetings,  the clients, the late nights, the early mornings, the activities & family days, the sports the diapers... sometimes in the mess of life I forget to tell you that there is no one else I would want to share this staring roll with.

The other night I laid in bed an got real with myself about what life would be without you. {wow, that was a scary thought.}  I might not say it all the time (we both know how great I am with verbally expressing myself;) but I couldn't stand it.      

Truth is, I do notice everything you do.
















You know how to fix EVERYTHING
You always have an answer, even in my moments of raging hormones,
You know what to say to calm my heart, to settle my spirit, you know when I need to talk or when I just need time to be alone with my thoughts,
You know 'that look', that means I'm not ok, or that look that means, how did we get so lucky? And the difference between the two.
You know what I eat at every restaurant, yet still call me to see what I want, just incase I have changed my mind.
You tolerate me being a paparazzi to our family, cause you know my memory won't last but a couple days,
You know that I need you to call me if you are running late,
You willingly take turns with me putting the girls to bed cause you know that by 8pm all I want to is pass out on the couch,
You get up in the middle of the night for bad dreams & you willingly lay with the girls til they fall back to sleep cause you know how much it pains me to sleep with those flailing arms & legs,
You give up your comfy chair for me nearly every evening,
You tell me you love my cooking & even when I mess it up,
You come to bed even when you are not tired cause you know I can't fall asleep without you next to me,
You know that I am scared of things that go bump in the night.
You know that I hate scary movies & politics.
You have chosen our family over corporate success.
You embrace all my crazy passions & usually have more faith in me than I do in myself.
You know I am a horrible dancer so you take my place having dance parties with the girls,
You laugh at all my corny jokes
You let me know in so many ways that you desire me & only me.
You give me confidence & encouragement when I am down on myself
You say you cannot see my stretch marks even though I am very well aware they did not vanish over night.
You bring me my favorite gas station candy
You tell me I get more beautiful with age even though I know you see all those fine lines forming. There is not one thing that you don't know about me & somehow I know that you love me more today than you did 15 years ago. There is nothing more securing than that.
I am confident that no one in this world gets me the way that you do, that pushes me the way you do, that drives me crazy the way that you do, or that I could possibly love more than I do you.

Thank you for loving me through this messy, chaotic & yet still crazy rewarding life.

I am sorry that I often rush through life & overlook how incredible you really are. I am sorry for the days you have felt overlooked or second best, because in all honesty, being a mom is just easier for me than being a wife. Sorry for the times I've gotten mad that you haven't taken out the trash but never actually asked you to in the first place. Sorry that I hate LED lights no matter how much money they save. Sorry for not trusting your good intentioned heart, for not being as patient as I should, or caring as I should. Often I think I got the better end of this deal.

Truth is, life is messy, and none of this is perfect, I am not perfect, we are not perfect. Peel back the layers of any marriage & you will quickly see that none of us have this marriage thing together. But there is not a day that passes that I would want it any of other way. There is no plan B. This is it! When we said til death do us part, we meant it!

You have taught me a real genuine love. A love that doesn't run, doesn't stop, doesn't end, that I can't work for, pay for, give enough to, a love I don't deserve. You example for me daily, Christ's love. A marriage built on Christ is a marriage that will last. So thank you for being a real man, a Godly man, for leading our family courageously & loving me fiercely.

Where My Mama's At?

For the past few months my husband has been on me to start blogging again. Although I am not exactly sure why he felt the need to encourage me to do this, I knew he was right. I needed to get back to sharing my life in a real & raw way.  Since then I have sat down to blog probably 100 times, you would not believe how many drafts I have sitting, waiting for my to hit PUBLISH, but I just could not do it. Something was stopping me, self doubt, perfectionism, fear... Why am I sharing my life with cyber space? Who in the world would read this? I am not even a good writer, I hate grammar & quite honestly don't care if I missed a comma or quotation. This is a waste of time....All these thoughts would flood my head & spiral out of control, so I would log off & leave another blog marked as DRAFT.

Today it just hit me, almost as if God spoke to my heart & said "Leann write your struggles." See, I have this passion inside me to encourage other moms. I don't know why it is there or even where it came from, or what to do with it somedays. There is nothing I hate more than seeing other moms struggling-- feeling not good enough, that they can't live up to the images & expectations society has places on us, as moms. It goes something like this:

-Make sure your baby is sleeping through the night. 

-What do you mean you used formula? Don't you know that breast is best!? 

-Make your own babyfood

-Your toddler must know how to count to 10 & know all their colors before they are 2.  

-Heaven forbid you tell that toddler "NO" & they throw a tantrum in the middle of Target! 

-Jimmy better be on every select team & the leading scorer, don't forget to sign him up for music class too, cause that helps kids on their test scores.

-Feed your family only clean & organic (Can someone  please tell me what is the difference?)

-Your house better look like a picture of Better Homes & Gardens Magazine. 

-No mom's are allowed mom jeans, no matter how comfy they are! 4" heels, skinny jeans & a cute blouse. Or ungodly expensive active wear is appropriate even though you have no intensions of working out.

-Reads books every night at bedtime

-Your baby is 6 months old,  and you are still wearing maternity clothes?--- NO, NO, NO!

-Why aren't you working out? I mean you can find 20 minutes in your day?

-Family vacation booked & I don't mean to Branson!

-Those kiddos better have matching holiday outfits. 

-Oh & did you schedule the photographer for family pictures, gotta make sure you have the picture perfect photo on those christmas cards, 

-Your car needs to be spotless & able to tote around 10 children at any given moment, 

-Attend every birthday party & do not bring a gift card, must be a well thought out personalized gift.
-Oh & the parties-- what happened to balloons & sheet cakes?! 

-And please be aware if you show up to pick up your child with no make-up on 20 people will ask you how you are feeling?! .... 

UMMMM........ EXHAUSTED!

This is just a smudge of the expectations that society has placed on us as mom & somehow we have fallen into a trap of thinking this way is the better way! If I can't do it ALL then somehow I am a failure of a mother. Ladies, I am speaking to myself here too!

See I really do LOVE being a mom. I am that dork that is the first to sign up for Room Mom, because I truly do love it, and I love throwing elaborate birthday parties. But let me tell you there are a lot of things on this list that I do not love & I am not good at, but yet still kill myself on a daily basis trying to be the best at all of them. This year it will stop! I am vowing to myself & my family, to protect our time to focus on what God has called me to be.

Confession time: I hate Christmas cards, I LOVE christmas it is my favorite time of year but HATE the christmas card craze. The let's look all perfect for a photo that cost a small fortune. I first must wrestle my kids into their coordinating outfits, convince my husband that theses are necessary in which he dreads the entire day & it is just plain stressful. And I kinda secretly love trips to Branson, I have many fond memories of going there as a kid. My toddler is often throwing herself down in the middle of Target screaming  "no hit me mama, no hit me!" (disclaimer-- I do not hit my child, but I do believe that a solid spanking can do a kid a lot of good-- if that offends you, you are welcome to delete me on FB ;)

See we all have different things that make us special & unique. God knew that my girls would love a mom that enjoys throwing parties, decorating, trips to Branson, who loved camping over the Caribbean, who cannot bake a sheet cake if her life depended on it... God knew exactly what these little people needed & he chose ME for them. Because me, in all my faults, insecurities, and mess ups  I would be exactly what they would need. God does not call me to be all these other things. My girls do not care if I buy a cake or make the cake, they don't care if they stay in the fanciest beach front hotel or if we are in a tent in the woods, they do not care if the laundry is done or we have dishes in the sink-- they love me, and I can promise you that your kids don't care either!

So mama out there pulling out your hair, frustrated with yourself, crying at night. STOP! You are enough! I encourage you to do a little soul searching & find what things you love & what things you hate & make some changes in your life! I promise you that there are many doctors that were raised on formula & there are women out there that would do just about anything to have a baby, so stop wasting time on all the things that don't matter & go focus on what makes YOU a GREAT MOM!

It is hard to push back against society & honestly at times it feels weird to explain to people why you have not planned your child's summer full of activities, why you don't invite 50 people to their birthday parties, why you really don't have 20 minutes to work out & that you are completely satisfied wearing a one-piece. There will come a day when I have hours to work out, maybe even money to have a tummy tuck but for now I will sit back in my one-piece with store bought cake soaking up every moment of homemade play-dough & shooting hoops with our family. Oh & if you are reading this & do not get a christmas card from me next year, you will understand why! :)