I Hate Mother's Day!

Sitting here at my computer remembering what Mother's Day meant for me 5 yrs ago. Lets just say, it was not a happy mother's day in my household. To me Mother's Day was the most dreaded day of the entire year. Not because of my mom-- I have a wonderful mom. But I wanted nothing more than to experience 'being' a mom. I wanted to belong to this M-O-M Club- I wanted playdates, sticky fingers, slobbery kisses, cheesy homemade cards...

          and I couldn't have it, not for lack of trying, I might add.


I hated Mother's Day!

Great (insert sarcasm), a day to remind me how inadequate I was, to remind me of every miscarriage I had experienced, evert shot & pill administered to end in failure, every stick I pee'd on leaving me crying in the bathroom, the comments like,

"you're kind of a mom; I mean you are a step mom,"
"your time will come sweetie,"
"just celebrate your mom,"

I know people have good intensions, but comments suck!

There was NOTHING good about this day! This specific day every year, I wanted nothing more than to climb back in bed; spend the day with a bag of chocolates & box of kleenex; or better yet, ignore the holiday all together!
To sum it up, Mother's Day to me meant........ 'you are a failure!'

My heart ached & hurt in ways that words could never describe. But none the less I knew that I had to plaster (& I do mean plaster) on my happy face & press on. I remember telling Jason before leaving the house, "please hang close to me today I'm not sure how much I can handle." Even though, I knew he didn't REALLY get it either, I had comfort in knowing that he would carry on the conversation if I left in tears. I never knew what would bring it on or when an outburst might come. I was a hot mess on the inside, but cool calm & collected on the outside- It was my stepford wife acting at its best!

I truely deserve an academy award for this time in my life!

So as I sit here tonight remembering these feelings. I am reminded of how many woman will wake up tomorrow feeling like a failure, hearts saddened, wishing like myself, that they could hide under a rock for just one day out of the year. I am here to encourage you- to tell you that its is ok to eat a bag of chocolate & cry until your eyes are so swollen, no one would recognize you. Its ok to want to curse the day, but it is not ok to stay there. Refuse to let bitterness arise in you. Plaster on that smile & fake it til you make it!

You are not alone. If you need a shoulder to cry on- I have really big ones!
I cherish you- YOU are fearfully & wonderfully made.

I believe that Mother's Day should have very little to do with actual biological Mother's but rather a day to celebrate being a woman. Maybe God hasn't given you a child, but God has given you something/ someone to care for, even if it's just your cat! Woman are the most amazing, complex creatures-- you work hard, you care for others, without you, someones world would be empty, or at least someone else would have to clean, do the laundry & cook dinner. Woman is strong, fierce, glorious in her own, so wear the title proudly.

Excuse me but I need to vent for a minute... (WARNING!)
I'm sick & tired of women feeling like they have to have it all together all the time. Hair perfect, latest fashions, best pins, most liked Facebook quote, house cleaned, perfectly decorated, doting husband, perfectly matched children---
                     WHATEVER!!!
Lets quit being fake, trying to impress each other, and instead get real & start impressing love on each other! Or best yet, start impressing God. Be vulnerable. Let down the walls that keep us trapped, we are breeding our own feelings of failure.
     
Ok ok... I'll calm down & save the rest of that for another day. I was starting to     sweat there for a min!

Proverbs 31:30 

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” 

PS: Notice it doesn't say "mother" it says "Woman"! 

You: Woman, Friend, Sister, Aunt, Wife, God Parent, Niece, Daughter are greatly praised!

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children,

 I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her

 and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,

 I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and a hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

if you are still with me...My personal experience is not being able to be a mom & the pain that comes with infertility & loss. But I know there are others out there who have lost their mom & just want one more hug, one more shopping trip, one more lunch-- Mother's Day isn't just flowers & candy; for many of us its a day of tears & strength. Just remember God has called you to this time & to this place you can be bitter or you can be a blessing- you have to choose which you are going to be.

Crying on the Pot

Here recently I have had a huge wake up call to my life. I won't get into all the details now, that is for another blog & when I have more time ;) But I have to share what happened to me today.

I was in college sitting in the bathroom & I happen to fall across an article on Sex Trade/ Human Trafficking. As I read this article I felt as though someone was ripping my heart out of my chest. By the end of the article I was sobbing. Nothing like crying while you are on the pot! haha. Since that moment I have had a few run ins with the topic, hearing about it here & there. Often wanting to turn my head because it is so hard for me to listen to. It crushes me to my very core.

Well last weekend I was again reminded of the topic while at a concert. I felt as though God was saying to me, "Here it is, you can't get away... You can run but I will find you" I came home from the concert & told Jason, "uh this may sound strange but I have to find a way to get involved with this Human trafficking thing." And as always he supports my craziness.

The concert I was at was affiliated with World Vision but I was unsure if that was really what God meant for me,
"Really just sponsor a child? that's it? Seems easy enough" I thought.
"NO!" God quickened me.

So for a few days I put it off, praying about it, thinking about it, but not acting.

Today I was out on my daily run training for my race next weekend. When I run, it is MY time, time for me to get alone with my thoughts, to allow my mind to be quiet, to pray & to listen. So as I reached mile marker 2, I said (not aloud, don't worry, I'm not one of those! ;) "God, what do you want of me, how to do begin? Where do I even start? I know nothing about this, I mean I read the story in Glamour Magazine, (not even a legit magazine!)" Less than 30 seconds later a guy ran past me the most obnoxious orange shirt. I could not help but notice it, the shirt said "Team World Vision" the back of the shirt in HUGE black letters, STOP HUMAN TRAFFICKING!

HELLO! God knows I'm not much on subtle hints! LOL. Ok There is my answer. It honestly made me laugh aloud. Part of me wanted to chase him down & start asking questions, but I gained my composure & kept to myself. I came home & hit up my friend, Google. I knew at that moments it was baby steps. I found a little girl to & clicked "sponsor" then it took me to a page with information on running to raise money for these girls. It clicked for me- this was where I was to start!

I told Jason about this, but said... the race is in Chicago, so I have to get there first. He said, "Lets make a weekend trip of it". Gosh I love this man!

 I don't know where this journey is going to lead me or why God is asking this of me, but I'm excited to see my next step... Slow & steady wins the race!

years old Meet our sponsored child, Vijaya. Her & Karly even have the same birthday! Vijaya Kumari Girl, 4 years old “…. since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.” Hebrews 12:1-3 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 1 Cor. 9:24

Miss Julie & Disney

Karly knows that next summer we are taking her to Disney. This is a HUGE deal to her! Awhile ago Karly asked me if she could take a friend with her. I told her "well maybe. Daddy & I would have to talk about that". In my mind I am thinking she is wanting to take one of her cousins or best buddies, boy was I wrong! She went on to tell me, "Mom I really want to take Miss Julie (her gymnastics teacher) with us, she is one of my best friends & I have so much fun with her!" LOL. I found it sweet & endearing, but kind of forgot about it after that conversation. Today Kar had gymnastics & in the middle of class she yells "STOP MISS JULIE, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!" Being the incredible teacher she is, she stopped & replied..."what is it Karly Bug?" Karly says, "I asked my mom if I could bring you to Disney with me & I think she is gonna say yes! Will you please come with me?!"

The entire gym heard the conversation. It was so sweet, you could hear chuckles & Awwww's from all the other teachers & parents. I had to take a minute & soak it in, for in that moment I was reminded how God is answering my prayers over this child. From before she was born I prayed that her life would be surrounded with individuals that love her, encourage her, breathe life into her, friends & other girls that she could look up to, that she could turn to when life starts to get hard to understand. Girls can be so catty, ugly, jealous so I find it crucial to combat that. Jason & I have decided to put an extra effort forth to make sure this happens. We have specific individuals in her life that have committed to breathing life into this child God gave us. When I have looked for classes & teachers for her I have often told them, I don't care what she learns I just want her to know she is loved. I feel so blessed that we have found teachers, like Miss Julie who go out of their way to have fun & love on my child, teachers that do so much more that their job requirements & live their lives in a way that shows excellence, children look up to & want to be just like.

I love these small reminders God gives me to let me know how much He loves us & how blessed we are!